Exclusive Recipe: Cape (like cake, but with more capes)

Superhero cake - cape
Stop bloody gurning and get some cape in you, dammit!

One of the things about modern Hollywood films is the sheer number of superhero ones. Whether it’s Thorn, Supervan, Ironing Man, Pac-Man, or Robert Downey Jr’s jawline, we’re getting a bit bloody sick of them. We’re sure the superheroes are, too, I mean… how do they even find the time to eat anything in order to stay so buff?

Thankfully, we’re here with an elementary solution to do with capes. All superheroes wear them (except for Dr. Whom, of course) and they’re pretty integral to the whole superhero getup. Without one, a superhero is simply a hero. Who the Hell would want to be one of those losers?!


Thankfully, cape will ensure all cape wearing aficionados continue looking like Chris Hemsworth, as opposed to the Dude from the Big Lebowski. Sort of, anyway. Cape is simply about delivering a sugary kick to your favourite superhero, so they can continue on their way saving the universe and all that.

Superheroes simply need to visit the Professional Moron office and we’ll take their cape and bake it into a giant, unfoldable cake. Thusly, when the superhero is rushing about the place kicking villians (such as Patrick from SpongeBob SquarePants) in the testicles and they get a little bit hungry, they can take a bite out of their cape and stay pumped up with deleterious sugar for the intermediate future.

The cape recipe also doubles up as a self-esteem boosting project for the general public at large. Indeed, as the superhero consumes more cape they will, naturally, begin to lose their physical prowess as they increasingly bear some semblance to Jabba the Hut. Subsequently, millions of proportionally adequate citizens will feel better about themselves as they point and laugh at fat bastard Chris Hemsworth.

Morally This is a Bit Fu…

Do shut up with your tales of “morality”, you nanny state, PC, leftist imbecile! Cape is a revolutionary recipe which will ensure there will be a steadily revolving door of new superheroes (as opposed to the same old ones regurgitated over and over) as the old ones succumb to heart disease, athlete’s foot, and scurvy.

In their place will arrive a new set of pumped up, gurning, peculiar looking men and women, who will all (naturally) need cape to keep them ticking over. Why, the likes of Bin Man Man, Hairdresser Girl, Shelf Stacker Boy, Wonder Wombat, Back Hair Man, and Superbgirl (she’s, like, way too superb at everything, like) won’t have a moment to themselves as they take on evil masterminds such as Apple’s CEO Tim Cook.

Join us in celebrating the greatest recipe in the history of ever! Not only have we saved the world from banility, we’ve also ensured Hollywood won’t be able to always rely on Chris Hemworth’s mighty man muscles to claim ROI. Indeed, it’s Back Hair Man to the rescue: “Is it an ape? Is it an orangutan? No, it’s a middle-aged man who hasn’t discovered a local male grooming centre!”

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