Exclusive Invention: The DuVet (a duvet & veterinary clinic in one)

The DuVet
We hope you like insomnia because, boy, you’re going to get acquainted with it!

The problem with stuff these days is there’s not enough stuff doubled up to make even more useful stuff. For instance, no one would make life less stressful by combining a nuclear power station and a sandwich making factory. Why not? There are no foreseeable health hazards involved which we can envisage.

To buck the non-buck toothed trend, we’ve decided to take everyone’s favourite sleepy time product the duvet (sometimes known as the “quilt”, by halfwits mainly) and merged a fully functioning, modern, 24 hour, 365 days a year veterinary clinic into the same room. It’s genius on an unparalleled scale!

The DuVet

We’ve named our latest invention the duVet. How it works is as follows: you turn your bedroom into a veterinary clinic. This may sound simple, but the trick to it all is ensuring you have your bed in one corner of the clinic – the bed needs to be tucked nicely into a corner so as not to distress any animals.

You’ll find this development isn’t much of a nuisance until evening time. As soon as you try to fall asleep, the manic cacophony of noise created by the impatiently queuing animals may prove something of a sleep deterrent. It depends what you’re like, really. If you’re a light sleeper it may be a problem, but if you could sleep through an atom bomb explosion you should be okay.

Whilst some people may argue it’s difficult to fall asleep when there’s a donkey braying intermittingly in the local vicinity, we say these people are bloody soft! Just jam some tissue paper down your ears and stoically attempt to nod off whilst a Rottweiler seemingly attempts to repeatedly bellow out that choral section from Beethoven’s 9th at 3am.

Erm… The Purpose?

One of the main protestations we’ve faced from potential investors is this: “What is the point of this invention?” This is insipid thinking on an intergalactic scale. These people are so fatuous all we can do is laugh. Behold! Hah! Haha! Hah! Naturally, the purpose to all of this is as follows: convenience.

Obviously, it’s not ideal to combine someone’s bedroom with a vet, but then it’s not 100% inconvenient either. Imagine this equivalent – you fall over and smack your head against your bazooka collection, receiving a mild concussion and triggering one of them to fire and blow a massive hole in your bazooka storage building.

You go to hospital out of sorts, whistling songs about zig zags and what women really, really, really want, and as a doctor forces barbiturates down your throat you notice there’s some guy in the corner in his bed with a bleary-eyed, near hysterical expression of sleep deprivation on his haggard face.

Wonderfully, this will be you in several months time thanks to the brilliance of the duVet! Invest today – a minimum fee of £30,000 applies, there is an interest rate of 0.001% per annum, and if all it falls flat on its derriere you won’t be able to sue us as we’ll plead insanity. Please send all of your donations directly to us – we accept cheques.


  1. LOL…. One could simply move their Bazooka collection to the garden shed! I see no problem with this invention. I can make large donations. Unfortunately, all I have is rubber cheques, and I don’t think they are easy to catch whilst bouncing.


    • ZOMG!! NEVER touch anyone’s bazooka collection, madam! It’d be like taking ice cream away from a child.

      Your rubber cheques would be welcome. Can I rub stuff out with them as well? I do use pencils still… even though no one else seems to. *mumble grumble* … technology… *mumble*

      Liked by 1 person

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