There comes a time in a man’s life when jumpers become remarkably important. No matter how bad your day is going, if you’re wearing a jumper then, ultimately, all is well with the world and your conscience. Peace of mind? Piece of wool more like! *sounds of tumbleweed and owls hooting*
One is never able to eat one’s jumper, though, which is a remarkable shame. Why should the jumper not double up as a way to feed its owners? This is why we’ve invented the jamper, which is your average jumper covered in jam for a delightfully sticky and attention-seeking way to indulge in your fashionista ways. Zomg, like, it’s totes amazeballs!
Costing a mere £500 ($700 – it’s really good quality jam we’re using), the jamper will be available in strawberry, blackberry, and blueberry varieties depending on your jam preference. We hand stitch each one at our in-house Professional Moron fashion centre!
Our jam is homegrown and better than High Street jam dealers as we use industrial grade bleach to decimate the odd potential insect which hangs around in the jam (you know, bees and all that). Once you’ve ordered, your jumper is smeared with your chosen jam and becomes the jamper!
It is then packaged and posted to you, with speedy delivery times of one week in the UK and three months for the rest of the world! You’ll find the jamper to be grotesquely uncomfortable to wear, but you’ll be the talk of the fashion town. Literally, sweetie darling, even Lady Gaga has ordered one from us*!
Insect Swarm Warning
When parading out and about in the jamper during summer, there are apparent problems the local wildlife may bring about. For starters, it may not be the best idea to wear a jumper in summer, let alone a jamper. If you want to walk around looking like a sweaty lunatic then that’s okay, but most people will prefer donning wife-beater vests (not that we encourage this – if anyone should be beaten up it’s invariably the husband) or provocative skimpy tops.
The jamper brings about other issues. When our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, tried out the jamper during August, he regularly found himself sprinting in a hysterical frenzy away from swarms of bees and wasps delirious for sugary goodness. In Manchester, he became known as “that freak” due to his erratic behaviour.
Consequently, if you have to wear the jamper in public we recommend a walking speed of at least 10mph to ensure you aren’t besieged by winged beasts intent on stinging you. If you’re too lazy or unfit to run, you’ll simply have to be all stoic about it.
Indeed, merely try and act casual as you chat with friends, flirt on a hot date, or catch up with colleagues as a few hundred errant flying insects crawl liberally all over you. Don’t worry – it’s not quite as terrifying as it sounds.