Men, eh? Since starting our Agony Aunt feature we’ve been inundated with questions from perplexed women trying to work out why their boyfriend or spouse is behaving in such a bizarre way. Being men, we’re experts in all things manly (such as bellowing, lifting heavy things, opening jam jars, and furtively liking James Cameron’s Titanic) and dish out our knowledge with much panache. Here we go again!
To Baste or Not to Baste
Professional Moron – hello. Our family makes a big deal of roast dinners every Sunday so it’s a family tradition, Percy. However, six months ago my husband accidentally used my leg wax as a form of chicken baste (don’t ask how). Now he won’t stop doing it! The side effects of consuming this are strange, Percy. Now my entire family is obsessed with waxing its respective legs, meaning we're like a load of goddamn Tour de France cyclists, Percy! How can I change this habit as, frankly, I want to embrace my hairy kneecaps! Yours, Jennifer.
Hello, Jennifer. Who is Percy? We presume you’re aiming for “per se” there, which is what pretentious sorts use. So lay off in future as we don’t like such guff littering up our blog, per se!
Anyway, first of all we should indicate leg wax is not a suitable chicken baste in any circumstance. It doesn’t make any sense and can’t really be classed as a “baste” at all. It’s like saying a bass guitar is a bass (fish) – pre-eminent basting experts across the world will likely concur with our industry standard basting etiquette.
We can recommend you talk to your husband about why he is doing this. You may find he has suffered a stroke or is in the early stages of a manic episode – if he is, whack him around the head with a frying pan and take him to a hospital. They’ll sort him out from there.
As for your family’s leg waxing addiction, you’ll find there may be an initial period of withdrawal as their bodies panic with no leg wax coursing through their systems , but within 72 hours they should be back to their normal, tedious selves.
Do note, prior to this there will be some unusual activity. Several of them may begin shaving their eyebrows or whatnot in a panic, whilst others may begin binge leg waxing. This is particularly dangerous as, after several leg waxes , your family might begin shredding calf skin from their respective bodies.
This is unnecessarily gruesome and not what anyone wants to see, no matter what time of day it is. To stop them from doing this, we’d advise you hand them a pair of tweezers so they can focus on getting, like, totally bodacious eyebrows in time for their recovery, babe. Then, no matter how haggard they appear on returning to the real world, at least they’ll be boasting banging ‘brows.
Wax Museum Trip
To calm everyone the Hell down after the first 72 hours, you should book a visit to your nearest Madame Tussauds. This wax museum should prove so terrifying and tawdry it will be enough to put your family off wax for life. Behold the alarming looking Brad Pitt below, who will make even his biggest sycophant squeal in abject horror.
The downside to this lack of wax is everyone in your family will become a lot hairier. Hairy knuckles, monobrows, hairy noses, and massive Hipster beards – you’ll have to endure them all in the name of quality roast dinners, we’re afraid, but it will be worth it when you’re able to dine on those roast potatoes minus the bowel loosening agony of leg waxing chemicals.