Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend can’t hold down a steady job!”

My boyfriends keeps losing his job
There’s nothing wrong with indolence.

The path to a man’s heart is to accommodate his every need, mothering him so he can become a truly saturnine and obese waste of space who spends most of his time doing nothing. This is what today’s workshy scumbag of a boyfriend is trying to achieve – this slob is only 18 and has his priorities in place already. Good on him!

Workshy Scumbag!

Hi, Professional Moron! I'm disgusted by my boyfriend. He's 18 and all he does is lounge around in his underwear, binge watching Netflix while smoking and stuffing crisps into his stupid face. Whenever he does get up and gets a job after I threaten him at gunpoint, he loses it within days by turning up drunk and being petulant. He's a workshy scumbag! I'm a woman who's going places. I'm a workaholic go-getting lawyer who commands a wage of f70,000 p/a and, at 40, I expect my man to also bring home the bacon. I would dump him, but he's really hot so I'm going to follow my superficial reasoning. What do you think? Yours, Mary

Hi, Mary. It seems to us you’re providing your boyfriend with an easy time of things due to your impressive salary (please note, we’re not referring to celery – kudos if you can make an impressive celery salad, too) and somewhat fatuous desire to stay with this deadbeat due to his looks.

At 40, you should be doing your intelligence a favour – recognise he isn’t likely to change and you’d be better off dating someone who isn’t a giant man-baby. However, if you’re eager to pursue your rampant lust, you perhaps can make a difference. Here’s how.

Slob Shame Him

Take a picture of him slobbing out and post it online. If you contact a newspaper such as the Daily Mail with your sob story, and pose for pictures standing with a morose expression on your face, you’ll be able to slob shame him. The sight of his slobbery in the national press would surely give him a jolt in the right direction. If it doesn’t, though…

Cause Him Agony!

Similarly, threatening to eviscerate him if he doesn’t maintain steady employment is also an option. Whilst technically illegal, he likely doesn’t know that and, if he does, you can claim your legal abilities will get you off no matter what you do to him. These sort of antics should get him booted in the right direction. If not, well, honey…

Find Yourself a Real Man!

If you do end up eviscerating him but escape jail time, it’s obviously time to find yourself a new man. Men are like buses: foul smelling, tedious, loud, and cumbersome. There are, however, certain Adonis-esque sorts who may be worth your time – the elite of society. You know the type: strapping seven footers with a mane of blonde hair, blue eyes, and man muscles which can crush bone with the slightest exertion. You need a bloke like this.

They’re not readily available, of course, but you can try online dating to meet your dreamboat. Or you can hit the bars in your nearest city wearing those terrifying looking, sheer cliff high heels some women try on. If anyone gives you any guff, you can kick out with your legs and mortally wound them. This is advice has been pretty violent, we apologise. It’s Christmas, though. Someone has to be a madman.

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