Exclusive Invention: The Safer Sofer (for sofa sitting safety)

The safer sofa
The safer sofer, providing sofa safety for all the family.

Sofas can be pretty dangerous things, which is why we’ve decided to invent a safer sofa. We’ve dubbed it thusly: the safer sofer. This contraption places safety first. You got that right – this sofa will provide you with the utmost sitting security in your household. It’s a modern day marvel!

Following criticisms of our recent soFan invention (a sofa and fan all-in-one – this thing kept erupting into flames all the time… sorry about that), we’ve got our heads together and have come up with the ultimate in seating safety. Consequently, the safer sofer is a fully integrated package which offers state of the art protection whilst not costing you an arm and a leg (whilst simultaneously not shredding your body of those important limbs).

The Safer Sofer

When it comes to safety first, Professional Moron is ahead of the rest. Our track record of psychotic inventions means we’ve virtually plumbed the depths of danger and have come out the other side with detailed knowledge on how to be reasonably safe.

As a result, the safer sofer is made out of lead to ensure it is durable and secure. It’s also a smartsofa kitted out with all the cutting edge tech you can imagine! It comes fitted with anti-theft alarms and will spray chemical bleach at anybody it deems to be an intruder or hoodlum.

It’s array of weaponry is also impressive. As you sit watching SpongBob on Netflix, should there be so much as a knock on the door the safer sofer will erupt into action, blaring a 150 dB foghorn over 30 second intervals. Several fully automatic mounted machine gums will also emerge from the sofa and begin firing wildly into any direction it believes there to be a threat.

The safer sofer also includes a safeword initiated self-destruct feature. Should any infidels suddenly burst into your room leaving you no time to save yourself, go out the honourable way – take as many people in a 10 mile radius with you as possible! Yes, the powerful explosives built into this sofa will eradicate all life around you, preserving your sofa honour.

Is It Available In Beige?

Of course! However, we can recommend a deep black as this product will soon be splattered with blood and all manner of other body parts. Can you imagine how dinner guests will react if they visit your property to find a blood splattered sofa? That’s not going to instigate polite conversation around hors d’oeuvres, is it? Think logically, you fool!

Indeed, by choosing deep black you will hide away those dodgy stains and ensure your home is fitted out with what is effectively a 24/7 guard sofa. This crazed lump of lead is ready to pump any thugs with more lead should they burst through your door. Be safe – be dangerous! Available in stores next week at £1,000 ($1,500).

Dispense with some gibberish!

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