Exclusive Recipe: Musturd (to clear up lingering dung issues)

Mustard is typically yellow, unless it’s musturd.

After our thesis on the bemusing saying “cat got your dung”, we had a good hard think about what we could do with the great dung issue plaguing the planet. It was whilst Mr. Wapojif was eating his way through a bowl of mustard that he had a brilliant idea. Leaping to his feet (which caused the bowl to smash into our clueless apprentice’s face) he roared: “You reeker!”.

It was one of those moments which will go down in history as legend. You know analogous moments: the Moon landings, the Woodstock gig, the 2012 Yodelling World Championship final, and when Professional Moron launched in February 2012. Indeed, Mr. Wapojif realised he could combine mustard with turds to create musturd. Such scatological moments come but once in a lifetime.


Obviously, it took half an hour for the puerile sniggering to die down in the office, but once we’d wiped tears of mirth off our moronic faces (and the apprentice had been rushed to casualty), we began to knuckle down and create our latest recipe.

It’s pretty straightforward, to be honest. You just combine mustard with turds. For the latter, maybe hit your local farm and score a big haul of horse manure (farmers, for whatever reason, like to horde this stuff, so steal it during the dead of night when they’re unconscious drunk). As for the mustard, just steal a load of those condiment sachets from your nearest pub.

After this, combine the two liberally (perhaps use your bathtub for a container, as we did) and ignore the stench for now. It will pass (eventually) – don’t be alarmed by how nauseating it is and if any of your neighbours call the cops (as they did when they saw Mr. Wapojif lugging a tonne of horse manure onto the premises). If the coppers ask what you’re doing, just inform them you’ve got the manure for medicinal purposes.

Once you’re in the clear, spoon together the mustard and the manure and that’s it! Yes, quite the easy recipe, huh? You can season it with salt and pepper if you wish to take away the foul putrescence of this creation, but other than that you’re in the clear to eat the concoction and then immediately watch it all leave your body again.


Yes, it genuinely is that awesome! It left us speechless, too. Especially after a week on musturd as a diet. Cripes… we’re not sure if our apprentice will ever recover – he now becomes hysterical whenever he sees, or hears a mention of, mustard. We think he has PTMD (Post-Traumatic Mustard Disorder).

Never fear, if this is your thing you can make your own variety, or buy the Professional Moron range – available in stores priced £40 ($60) a jar. Enjoy it with your Christmas dinner or whenever you need to lose a considerable amount of weight!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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