As part of our expanding service, Professional Moron will be introducing new features in 2017 such as our much-requested, official travel guide to the year. Yes, throughout 2017 we’ll be providing insights on the best places you can spend your hard-earned cash in order to visit. We’ve started things off with the big one – Jupiter!

It’s the colossal, mammoth monstrosity of space, the gas giant with serious radiation issues and over 50 known moons. It isn’t possible to land on the planet, but you can hover in its atmosphere where your cutting edge hazmat suits will fend off Jupiter’s horrifying radiation output. Here’s why it should be at the top of your 2017 travels!

Getting There

Thanks to modern technology, traversing the 400+ million mile gap between Earth and Jupiter takes but a mere 43 minutes! This is if you’re willing to be drugged into believing you’re travelling at the speed of light, otherwise it’ll take between 3-5 years. In other words, you’ll need to use all of your work holiday days for this one.

Accommodation

Tourism companies such as NASA provide relaxing accommodation such as a tiny spacecraft. These tiny vessels may very well drive you close to insanity during your extended stay. Haha – we’re not joking!

Once the mania has passed, your psychological destruction will be alleviated by the knowledge even the confines of a long-haul spacecraft is positively luxurious compared to being stuck with a malodorous mother and her belligerent offspring in economy class on a long-haul flight.

Top Activities & Sights!

Once you arrive at Jupiter, you’ll be bristling with emotional and physical fatigue and borderline raring to go and see the sights! There are a few things to do upon arrival, which will make your 300+ million mile journey utterly worthwhile.

Acne Advice from the Great Red Spot!

If you have unsightly acne, Jupiter’s Great Red Spot will provide you with lifestyle tips on how to cure those unsightly zits and have you looking positively radiant!

Cooking Lessons

Thanks to its largely welcoming radiation problems, Jupiter is a giant microwave! Take all your favourite instant meals with you to cook them up a treat with the Universe’s best microwave.

Multiple Moons

There are over 50 recorded moons in Jupiter’s orbital system. Why not visit the likes of Callisto, Ganymede, and Io to kick back and get yourself a suntan*?

Frolic with Alien monstrosities

Europa is believed to house alien lifeforms! Why not trek there to frolic gaily with unspeakable slobbering alien lifeforms? Don’t forget to bag yourself some horrifying selfies whilst you’re at it!

Staggering Solitude

Have an existential crisis as you take in the staggering enormity of Jupiter and realise just how puny and insignificant you well and truly are!

Book Today

Jupiter is an increasingly popular destination for Earthlings fed up with humanity. Tourism companies such as NASA, Roscosmos, and the CNSA regularly visit Jupiter and offer attractive budget packages for families, couples, or lonesome travellers (i.e. perverted weirdoes).

Beat the summer rush! Book today to avoid disappointment and you could be whisking your way to the gas giant in 2017. Please note: flatulence related jokes will not be tolerated during the journey. Additionally, any children asking “are we nearly there yet?” will be fired from a cannon into the cosmos for an undecided fate.

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*Please note, Jupiter is around 500 million miles from the Sun at varying times of the year and a suntan is impossible. You will, however, receive a healthy dose of near fatal radiation from Jupiter as a salubrious substitute.