Travel Guide 2017: Swamps – Putrid Holidaying Bliss!

Travel Guide 2017 - Swamps
Swamp, swamp me do!

The idea behind a holiday is to head off on your dream trip to your dream location and live in a dream for a good few days. After this, you exit your dream and return to Earth with a thunderous clang – you are a shelf stacker in a supermarket. Get on with it! Those tins of beans won’t stack themselves!

To accommodate a need for remaining grounded, one of our very best (hell, it is the best!) holiday packages for 2017 is to a local swamp. Indeed, we’ll whisk you off to your nearest swamp for a grand old time of wading around in mud, losing a wellington, and fending off demented perverts who furtively hang out there. What could be better?!

Getting There

To get to your destination, we’ll send over a world class limo driven by a world class former racing driver (reigning F1 World Champion Nico Rosberg for our ’17 run, seeing as he’s unemployed). He’ll floor the throttle, leave you terrified, and dump you on the doorstep of the swamp we’ll hand pick for you! Yes, we’ll tour your local area to find the dingiest hell hole imaginable. Aren’t we sweet?


There are several accommodation packages which will suit your every need (and your paltry budget). They are as follows:

  • A Mud Hut: Our 5 star accommodation complete with a hole in the ground as your bed, cockroaches, and a newspaper from 1981 for entertainment.
  • A Mud Shelf:  Keeping it simple? Book one of our world class mud shelves where, after an exhausting day traipsing about in dense fog, you can crash out and curse the day you booked your holiday!
  • A Mud Mound: Collapse out after a day of intense boredom on your mud mound – it’ll be uncomfortable as Hell, but it’s our budget price option and is replete with ants!

Activities & Sights

There’s a load to see and do at any given swamp! Here for your edification is a selection of just a handful of the dank situations you’ll get yourself stuck into.


Get lost and wander into sinking mud on your journey through a swamp. You’ll find the dense fog to be enigmatic, obstructive, and a bloody annoyance! Return from your holiday with zero memories as you simply couldn’t see a thing and delight friends and family about your tales of nearsighted woe.


Hang out in the bog and save on toilet paper – use the on-site facilities until your heart’s content!


There’s probably a weak internet connection from your mud hut – blog from the bog about your appallingly dismal holiday and why fog is Satan’s creation!


Is Bigfoot hanging out in your swamp? How about that thing from the film Predator?! You’ll soon find out – whether it results in a friendly handshake or every limb shredded from your body, that’s up to fate to decide!


Bask in the glory of wholesome mud – it’ll get into every available orifice during your swampy stay! Discover its organic attributes in your day-to-day life, like using it as a toothpaste substitute and flinging it at crazed individuals such as…

Demented Perverts!

Get to know the lunatic weirdoes who hang out half-naked (or totally starkers) in your swamp! Make friends with freaks, share your pictures on social media, and inadvertently alert law enforcement over the whereabouts of crazed serial killers!

Book Today!

For the holiday of a swamptime, get in touch with Professional Moron and we’ll set you up for dreary days and paranoid glances over your shoulder. But hurry – as swamping is such a popular new pastime for tourists, you have to book quickly to secure the best accommodation and swamp locations.

For summer 2017, swamps will be particularly crowded with confused, delirous holidaygoers having an awful time of it. Beat the rush! Secure your spot so you can join them in caterwauling and general misery. Swamps – it’s swamptastic!

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