Exclusive Invention: Satsuma Wrestler (a fruitier sumo wrestler)

Satsuma Wrestler
Are you ready to wrestle?!

The thing about sumo wrestlers is they’re big, sweaty, and they look a bit domineering, which is kind of like climate change deniers. Just like those cretins, however, one closer look you find a morbidly obese weirdo who grabs at stuff in order to push it over. There’s no real reason to do this but, what the heck, you’re a man mountain, you’ve not got much else going on upstairs, so you might as well forge on with it!

This invention is kind of in the works right now – it’s on our “To Do” list. There are two routes we can take with it and these are as follows: 1 – Harvest satsumas, turn them into sentient lifeforms, and then train them to wrestle. 2 – Get sumo wrestlers to turn into giant satsumas. To be honest, we like both approaches… but we have to go for #1 as we even used an ellipsis there to make our point.

Satsuma Wrestler

If we’re on about connotations, denotations, and sandwiches here, sumo wrestlers are these big blokes with stern expressions. Lauded over in Nippon, in the West we look on in disgust and instead indulge in football hooliganism. It’s so much more rewarding, you know?

Anyway, how does one harvest satsumas? Well, you just get a load of them and stick them in your home. There you go – the first part of this invention is complete! The second part is trickier. How do you turn them into sentient beings?

The best way we found was to peel a load of satsumas and sellotape the satsumas over ourselves (or anyone willing to get naked and give this exercise a go). By doing this, we became at one with the satsuma and transcended our limited existence – we immersed ourselves into the satsuma wrestler. It was a most humbling moment for the Professional Moron office.

“And then what happened?” Nothing, really. We sat about the place, talked a bit, Mr. Wapojif did some juggling (YOU CAN TOO! Here’s our guide to juggling!), and someone coughed once or twice. The problem with sitting down in the satsuma outfit is you squish the satsumas under one’s derriere, which is a bit gross. Other than this, however, it was an entirely worthwhile and didactic invention. We’ll be doing this every Sunday morning from now on!

“Can I Use Oranges Instead?”

No, you cannot! It ruins the wordplay and, indeed, if you want to indulge in Eastern mysticism then satsumas and wrestling are the only ways to go. As a satsuma wrestler, you will be able to stroll down any given street commanding the utmost respect from fellow citizens. Indeed, some may even fall to their knees and weep upon sight of you! Others will throw stuff like bricks and beer bottles – rugby tackle them to show who’s boss!

As you can probably tell, this invention is a DIY type of deal and is budget friendly. Satsumas are cheap and you’ll, once undressed, be able to make a nice fruit salad for your dinner. That’s it then – another genius invention to help you stand out in society. Get to it, satsuma warriors!

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