One of the great confusions for us has been when, out of the blue when talking about something remarkable, some goddamn dumbass we’ve been with has inexplicably said: “Go on then, spell the beans!” Like… WTF?! Just last week Mr. Wapojif had been discussing his latest alien abduction when his “friend” dropped in that clanger. Friend?! Nope! Acquaintance now, stupid one.

Not that he was rude about it. Our esteemed editor did, indeed, go on to spell as many beets as he could: Heinz baked beans, black beans, cannellini beans, mixed beans etc. He reeled off a great big list of beans based knowledge, only to receive a dour look from his acquaintance. You really do have to wonder what the Hell is wrong with some people. Imbeciles.

Spell the Beans

For most humans, beans become a part of your life as an infant. We’ve all had baked beans on toast and revelled in the awesomeness. As you headed through primary school, you grasped fundamental diction and grammar enough to be able to spell most bean names – only if you’re a bit thick will you plow on with a phonetical approach, for instance.

As a consequence, when someone asks you to spell the beans, you know you’ve got one of them – a stupid. You don’t want to upset them, so adopt a pained expression, apologise, ask them if they’d like to take a seat, and then meticulously talk them through the in-and-outs of the world of beans. Remember: it’s not their fault they’re brain damaged.

Recumbent in your advanced intellectual state, you should be happy in the knowledge you’ve done them a big old favour. Hopefully, in future, the person won’t make this moronic blunder again – they may even master the difference between beans and peas, which is what we all learnt on the step up to high school.

Spell the Peas

You’ll notice the stupid brigade never ask you to spell the peas – this is because they went to a special school for those with learning disabilities, which means they never got to the stage where they learnt about petit pout, mushy peas, and those edame ones which definitely are peas, not beans.

Breach this pea subject around these people with great caution – some of them, when first learning about peas, may head off into a psychotic frenzy as their brains can’t handle the new information. In medical lexicon, this pea-based insanity is known as pea-sanity. It’s a horrible condition, so don’t mock it, please.

Last week, we at Professional Moron setup a Spell the Peas charity to help fund the underprivileged so they may learn all about the complex world of vegetables. Please send us cash and we’ll (probably) put it into this charity, although we may take a bit to fund our illegal, underground heroin industry. You have to put the big bucks first, you know?