Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m having problems chatting up hot birds!”

How to chat up hot birds
It’s all about the lingo.

Modern dating is a modern marvel – with apps such as Tinder and Match, women have an incredible opportunity to meet an inordinate amount of weirdoes in a short space of time. Similarly, men are encouraged to lose their cool at a faster rate than, say, a decade ago, resorting, in utter desperation, to sending pictures of their trouser department in an attempt to woo the ladies. Whatever happened to good old fashioned horrific chat up lines?

Chat Me Up, Dude!

Hello, Professional Moron. I’ve been on Tinder, like, 12 months now but can’t land a date. When not on Tinder, me chat up lines in bars just ain’t doing it for the women. They sneer at me or call me “stupid”, which is REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!!!!! I’m a nice guy, what’s the matter with them?! Sure, I’m no Brad Pitt, but I’m at least Ryan Gosling level and, after spending 30 hours a week in the gym, my muscles are so taut it’s proving difficult to so much as move! Women dig this shit, what’s wrong? Is it this “feminist” thing I’ve heard of – are they all going gay? Or do I need to improve my already class act?! Yours on the pull, Brian

Hello there, Brian. The chat up line is a forgotten art – the beautiful simplicity of remarks such as “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” is sadly lost on this modern generation of iPhone sporting Hipsters. Do not despair, though, as your rampant chivalry is in evidence and with a few tweaks you’ll have the ladies queuing in an orderly line and giggling as you flex your mighty man muscles.

The Chat Up Line

The point of the chat up line is to indicate to a lady you are interested in her services as a girlfriend or future wife. Of course, due to the conventions of polite society, it would be deemed improper to express this to a woman openly. Instead, one must forge ahead with clever wordplay which satisfies a lady’s ego as you display your immense intelligence with comments such as: “I’m really glad your parents did it.”

Although women differ wildly as individuals, they’re basically all the same and can be summarised thusly: slimmer men with more hair and an uncontrollable shopping addiction. In a man they expect the following: extreme good looks but, in the absence of this, extreme wealth. If you have neither, you have to try and be charming. This is where the chat up line enters the dating fray.

Examples of the Chat Up Line

Generally, the more odious your chat up line the more delighted a woman will be (women dig bad boys – this is why so many convicted criminals have a queue of women waiting to get at them). Plumb the depths of awfulness and debase yourself thoroughly, Brian. If you’re still lost, here are a few examples to try out (free of charge):

  • Jesus H Christ, babe, are you a tree?! Because you’re the finest sapling I ever did saw!
  • Hey, babe! Is Hell missing a demon, because you’ve got Satan written all over you!
  • You look horrible today, babe! Hook up with me and I’ll give you a free manicure.
  • Hey babe. Got that feeling of déjà vu? I’m sure we did it in a previous life, how about we catch up in the modern era?

As you’ll have noticed, the qualifier “babe” or “baby” works wonders in most situations and is enough to make women go gooey at the knees. The charm offensive will be so strong you may also suffer aftershocks – down a few beers before chatting any women up to bolster your reserve.

Women also love the foul stench of beer breath wafting into their general direction, so be sure to breathe all over them to showcase your manliness. Ignore any expressions of disgust they pull – they’re begging for it – get in there! Best of luck to you, Brian.

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