Lonely Hearts Column 2017: Men Seeking Women

Lonely hearts column - online dating 2017
You have to love dudes.

It’s that time of year again, lucky ladies! We’ve got a batch of hunky blokes here for you to judge mercilessly as potential boyfriend or husband material. Being enormously critical and hunting for perfection is what modern dating is all about – the modern woman can do without monobrows, stupid big man feet, burping, and cheesy chat up lines. Thanks to Professional Moron, this batch of manly perfection will make you swoon – dive on in!

Men Seeking Women

Box #1 – Clive: Hello. I am Clive. I am a moderately normal male of moderate height, moderate weight, moderate looks, a moderate sized trouser snake (aka “penis”), and a moderate income. I deal in moderation as I find this deeply satisfying. Things I do not find deeply satisfying are: expensive holidays, tinned goods, excessive amounts of fun, and demanding women. As my wife, I expect you to sit quietly in the corner during the day and cook my dinner unquestioningly at night. You will bear me five children and they will be called Clive Jnr, Cyril, Clive Jnr 2, Rupert, and Humphrey. If you’re interested, forward a formal request.

Box #2  – PrettyPete: My name is Pete and you may call me Peter. I am very pretty and perform as a model doing that staring into the middle-distance whilst pouting thing. It’s what models do and, because I need to be good at it, I spend most of my day practicing that look. If you enjoy staring into the middle-distance, then join me on a date of no eye contact, zero talking, and lots of looking as pretty as possible. If you can’t hack the middle-distance, don’t even try it on, babe.

Box #3 – BigBill: Yo, women! I’m Bill, although my mates call me “Big Bill” because I’m morbidly obese. Don’t let that put you off – it’ll be my foul stench which does that! LOL! Self-deprecation is my thing, you’ll get used to it. Anyway, it’s said the path to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so if you’re willing to spoon feed me my food (I consume 8,000 calories a day – moving is a bit difficult for me) then we’ll no doubt be a perfect match! No fat women though, please, I need someone sprightly who can head to the local shop to pick up crisps and beer as and when I need them.

Box #4 – PoeticPhil: I’m a poet and I think you know it! You’ll dig my rhymes just like Rick Grimes, you’ll think I’m hot like a big teapot, you’ll love my words like a load of herds (of cows), and you’ll want to wed me after you’ve bed me! So now you know I’ve got it goin’ on, why not hit me up or I’ll beat you up! Yours, Phil the Poet.

 Men Seeking Men

Box #1.1 – GymGary: I like to go to the gym and stare at other men working out. This has become an obsessive behaviour of mine. I don’t do any working out at the gym, I just stare. As a result I’m a bit flabby these days, but I can assure you my staring is top notch creep factor. If this is your thing, hit me up.

Box #1.2 – BouncyBobby: HIIIIIII!!!!! I’m Bobby and I’m a lot of fun!!!!!! I’m a real CHATTERBOX but I’ve just not CLICKED with anyone ELSE yet. My hobbies include superfluous screaming and excitability, being camp, and wearing skinny jeans. If you can endure putting up with my manic ADHD, we’ll be sure to get along like a Rottweiler saving a chunk of steak!

Box #1.3 – IntellectualIan: Salutations! I am Ian and I have an IQ of 150. I am a gifted academic and I have written postulations on the meaning of quantum mechanics in relation to supersymmetric particles. As with many geniuses, I’m eccentric – I collect marbles which I furtively stuff up my nostrils. My dream is to one day find the perfect marble which will slot into my right nostril, opening a pathway to a new dimension where I will be able to bond with the Universe. Care to join me for marble madness?!

Box #1.4 – SeriousSean: Good evening (or morning – whatever time of day you are reading this synopsis of myself). I am Sean and I am a serious man with hobbies such as monitoring my local buses for inexplicable delays. I also enjoy discussing pensions with my friends at the local wine bar. As a profession, I run the world’s most serious bouncy castle rental service – children must queue orderly and only one child is allowed on the bouncy castle (or Robust Upwards Motion Generating Device – RUMGD – as I have renamed them) at a time. The child must stand in the middle of the RUMGD and not become too invigorated – moderate bouncing is acceptable, anything which could be construed as unwarranted enjoyment results in a £1 fine. Any child unable to pay this fiscal requirement is caned on both palms. For the children’s security, there is also 24/7 CCTV monitoring of all bouncing activities, Rottweiler guard dogs, and several bouncers to keep a steady atmosphere; parents must watch from a distance and are only allowed to clap politely. In the event of injury, an emergency helicopter service is maintained and will fly victims to a local hospital. I also intend to branch out as a circus act teaching children about equity release.


  1. Christ I hope that Phil finds true love
    If only there were a way that PM could surreptitiously record some of the resulting dates….

    Thought I was gonna rhyme, didn’t ya, Mr. W?


  2. Hmm, not a lot to choose from here. At first I thought perhaps IntellectualIan would be a good choice, then I realized he was in the wrong box. This is unfortunate, as I have a fab marble collection. Although, I tape mine under my armpits instead of stuffing them up my nose, I felt we could have worked things out.
    Before I send an application in to BigBill, I have one question. Is he ambulatory?


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