Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day!”

Valentine's Day problems
Even frogs like to exchange romantic pleasantries.

Today is Valentine’s Day and millions of couples around the world will be exchanging vomit inducing romantic asides. Not all of them, though, because let’s not forgot the trademark Hollywood hunk who is so hunky, but also such a badass, he doesn’t need to remember this Valentine’s Day malarkey. What a goddamn dreamy SOB!

Be My Valentine!

Dear PM and like WTF?! WT actual F?! My boyfriend is a tyrant and a beastial harbinger of doom and horror and death and dismay! We've been dating, like, 6 months now and, like, it's our, like, first Valentine's Day. Guess what? Guess... bloody... what! You guessed it, he don't celebrate Valentine's Day! So my friends are all going for dates at McDonald's and here's me - I'll be sitting at home watching him play FIFA or CoD or whatever. I should dump this waste of space right now! But... can he ever change?! Ciao, Kylie

Hi, Kylie. We’re going to presume you’re not Kylie Minogue so we can keep this informal. Queen Kylie commands zero respect in the Professional Moron office and we’d have to demolish your message if you are, indeed, her.

It’s not uncommon for men to have no interest in Valentine’s Day. This is because they are forgetful bastards, but they also do have pressing issues such as shaving and fighting with each other to attend to. Additionally, men are naturally less romantic than women due to the foul stench which they have to put up with all the time (i.e. themselves). Kind of kills the mood, you know.

Change

Most men can’t change as they are, by definition, unchangeable. We suppose they could have a sex change but, unless you’re interested in women, this isn’t a realistic consideration. As such, emasculating your man should be your last resort; just bear in mind, a heady dose of feminity will make him more susceptible to romantic gestures.

In the absence of this, perhaps begin making small gestures of your own towards him. Any intelligent, and worthwhile, human male will realise it would be agreeable to respond in kind. Consequently, buy him beer and don’t chastise him when he belches grotesquely – an unhappy man is a criticised man!

Step up from beer to tickets to sports matches – attend these matches and kick off drunken riots. As you stand in the dock at court, through teary pride announce you did it for the love of your hunk of the moment (who will swell with pride and, once you’re released from jail, return lovely gestures).

Gestures

A romantic man is an incredible thing to behold. Whether it’s opening the door for you, throwing his coat over puddles so your tootsies don’t get wet, or performing the Heimlich manoeuvre to ensure you don’t choke to death, a man is never sweeter than when he’s placing a lady’s well-being first.

Of course, some men can make misjudgements in their efforts to add serious allure to their antics. Rest assured, if your man goes ahead and purchases you a Pot Noodle for dinner, or orders you to clean his dirty laundry, he has your best interests at heart. Just remember this: no man is perfect, not even when he’s rich and ripped, but if he’s romantic then you can guarantee he won’t turn out to be a psychotic weirdo. Enjoy Valentine’s Day 2018!

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