In hilarious scenes some also considered “terrifying”, a huge brawl erupted in a friendly British pub last night. In astonishing scenes, up to 100 drunken morons began a full-scale riot in the Sleepy Duck of central Manchester. The outraged proprietor, Mr. Dave Daveson, responded angrily in the aftermath: “It’s a bloody outrage!” he bleated.
It’s unclear what caused the mass brawl, but witnesses and local law enforcement soon on the scene suggested alcohol may have had something to do with it. Boozy Birts are renowned for enjoying the odd tipple and hurling a punch in anyone’s direction, but last night’s unprecedented 100 pub-goer romp broke records!
Mancunian stalwarts such as Liam Gallagher applauded the news, although others, such as Noel Gallagher, had nothing to say on the matter. Naturally, the Queen of England waded into proceedings, appearing on air in time for the evening news (clearly a bit worse for wear):
"Subordinates! Get your act together and unit as a nation! Only when you do unit, only then can we became a Unit Britain! *HICK!* As God once told me in a dream, to be a good working unit we, as citizens of Earth, must go forth once more into the beach at Devon, my friends. Jesus God almighty... I feel a bit squiffy..."
She was later found face first on her bedroom floor with a foul smelling liquid all around her (later confirmed to be the substance known as “puke”). However, here rebuttal of the situation caused outrage amongst Royalists who deem it inappropriate for the Queen to be having any fun. Indeed, it is much more patriotic to have her standing around looking like the most insanely morose dunce on planet Earth.
Unelected Prime Minister Theresa May soon stepped in to appeal for calm, as today there was a spate of enormous pub brawls across the UK in honour of Manchester’s finest. In true British hooligan fashion, the chant “The referee’s a wanker!” could be heard from all corners of England as the inebriated debauchery led to a state of martial law.
The Prime Minister also announced prohibition would be in effect as it was “patriotic” and “in keeping with the government imposed austerity and the likelihood Brexit is going to be bloody miserable for all of us.”
Working class scumbags, outraged and drunk, soon took to the streets to loot stores, even dead expensive ones such as Marks & Spencers. Riot police were called in and there was a mighty clash between the working class and pigs, with many of the former beating the latter with pork chops.
This evening there was barely any order in the UK and Theresa May informed terrified citizens to: “Barricade yourself in your home and get extremely intoxicated.” It is unclear how this will work, what with prohibition soon to be in effect, although an advisory referendum will apparently be called to allow the public to decide. We can’t see that going wrong at all.