Exclusive Invention: Salubrious Suntan Locomotion

Suntan locomotion invention
Get ready to rave, man!

Come on everybody and do the locomotion, yadda yadda blah blah la la blah etc. Okay that’s enough, shut your face, Kylie Minogue, and let us introduce this brilliant invention! As we all know, having a suntan is the most attractive thing in the world. Pallid people are subhuman scum and should be fired from a cannon into the sun – this may seem prejudiced, but it isn’t. It’s fact.

Anyway, the point of suntan locomotion is to get you grooving. Smear this stuff on yourself and you’ll be boogying on down before you can say “night fever, night fever induced by food poisoning”. What gets you grooving? Well, suntan locomotion includes a particularly aggressive form of LSD, which penetrates your pores and leaves you spaced out of it. Far out, man!

Suntan Locomotion

Here at Professional Moron, we want to get people dancing. Unleash those inhibitions and have a great time – what better way to do this than take some psychedelic substances? Thusly, as you hit the beach, simply spray this stuff onto your body and get ready for one hell of a trip!

As you stroll down to the coastline you’ll be surprised by the sight of Mr. McHenry from the Magic Roundabout descending from the sky in his thousands. Furthermore, the thumping soundtrack of Justin Bieber’s landmark single Baby will make you twist your hips, shriek like a lunatic, and groove on down.

By the time you hit the surf you’ll be gyrating dangerously, swinging your arms around wildly, frothing at the mouth, and lunging at anyone who dares come near you. You’ll be a one person grooving machine, locomoting to the beat, looking super cool as you do, and all with a murderous glint in your eyes!

24 Hour Party People

Naturally, you don’t have to use this only on your holiday! You can take some suntan locomotion before you head off out clubbing, with the added bonus those strobe lights in your favourite club won’t leave you with hideous sunburn. Indeed, you’ll be left looking the part, boasting a fabulous suntan, and you’ll believe yourself to be the King of the world!

Until, of course, you start crashing down off that heady mix of alcohol and LSD. Seriously, that’s not a nice combination. As What Is Love by Haddaway twists into the hideous shriek of a 300ft dragon, and Mr. McHenry returns to jab at you and demand £300,000, you’ll become quite hysterical and only five heavyset bouncers will be able to contain your frenzied delirium. Frothing at the mouth? Indeed, along with numerous other orifice based incidents.

Still, rest assured, as the doctors chain you to a hospital bed as your ballistic outbursts of lunacy continue unabated for a couple of days, what matters most in life is a nice tan. Suntan locomotion provides this in (reasonably) salubrious fashion. Look the part – pull that hot dude/woman you like and do so with an orange, frenetic hue!


    • Being British, I’m rather proud of he healthy shade of pale I have on the go. So I don’t support getting a tan, but it would appear 89% of the rest of society believes this is incorrect.


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