Agony Aunt: “HELP! My girlfriend isn’t ladylike… AT ALL!”

How to be ladylike
Very womanly indeed!

As we all know, a woman should be as ladylike as humanly possible. This isn’t sexist as it’s just the way it should be, in the same way every man must stink of BO, have stupid big man feet, and be half drunk on beer 70% of the time. In comparison, women must be super efficient in the kitchen, have an endearing giggle, and understand they’re totally subordinate to every man on Earth. It seems like today’s man bloke needs to enforce these principles on his woman!

Ladylike

O'reet, mate? So I'm dating this b***h and she's a good ol' gal and all but I reckon she's not really nailed what I expect of a woman. What I mean by this is she often does this hacking, retching cough thing and then gobs all over the floor. It's pretty gross. I asked her not to do this in public, or when she's visiting me parents, but she just yells "Shurrup, you prick!" and beats me with her fists. She's done this other thing, right, when I'm sleeping. She takes pictures of me todger and posts them all over her social media accounts with hurtful stuff like "Look at this little todger! I gotta get a real man FFS!". One of them went viral and me colleagues saw it and now I'm known as Tiny Todger Tony. Shite. Now I gotta get a penis enlargement operation so I'm gonna create a Kickstarter page so I can go to proper epic size, like. Or should I just shut this b***h down and call her a slag? I've told her she ain't ladylike and, like, she just goes "Not LADYLIKE, EH!? Well then get this, ****face!" and she does a flying karate kick into me groin. It's driving me nuts! Tony

Hi, Tony! In a situation like this, we believe it’s time for you to express your masculinity by, for instance, becoming incomprehensibly drunk and smashing some furniture. Currently, your woman is the man of the relationship and this is distorting her sense of logic. However, once she sees you strewn unconscious amongst the rubble of a drinking spree turned violent, her womanly needs will be fulfilled and her brain will begin generating ladylike hormones.

Thusly, after a few days, you’ll notice her behaviour will become more docile and helpful (as opposed to obstreperous and annoying). She’ll offer to get you beer from the local shop, cook you steak, and hand you difficult jars and tins so you can further exert your manliness by opening recalcitrant foodstuffs. At these moments, you can stare into the middle-stance, grin smugly, and acknowledge this broad is under your control.

How to be a Woman

You should encourage her, between bouts of your drunken stupidity, to be more ladylike. Women are at their happiest when they’re being women, so perhaps purchase her a new kitchen (she’ll be spending lots of time there!) and get her something to embroider (such as a picture of yourself).

How do we know what’s best? Well, we’re not women here at Professional Moron, but our general vacuity and narcissism ensures we think we can write authoritatively on this subject, even though we’re just going off on a bout of wanton prolixity right now. Don’t worry, we’re too obnoxious to comprehend this as we’re gleefully submerged in the manosphere. We know best, so you can benefit from this enormously, Tony.

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