Exclusive Invention: Eyebrews (eyebrows which brew a drink)

I see this brew and raise you an eyebrew!

Our latest invention really pulverises the concept eyebrows are pretty much useless. Indeed, once you’re all setup with these eyebrews you’ll be ready for life to embrace your eyebrows. No more waxing them. No more screaming in horror upon sight of your reflection. No more wishing they’d just go bloody extinct already!

For, you see, eyebrews take the humble brew and insert the ability to make a brew from your eyebrows. All it needs is extensive, and agonising, surgery to ensure boiling hot pipes are funnelled through your nostrils, up your forehead, and into your eyebrows. Then, simply by yanking on your nose, boiling hot water will burst forth into your nearest available cup! It’s modern brew making done the eye-raising way!


What brew consumers must remember is this is a serious business. Yank a bit too hard and your eyebrews will be spewing the equivalent of liquid molten lava (i.e. boiling water) all over friends, colleagues, customers, or even yourself. Indeed, by merely scratching at your nose you’ll get a steady stream going, leaving you with third degree burns all over your stupid face. Whoops!

Don’t even get us started on what happens if you sneeze! This results in a casual tsunami of boiling extremity which gushes forward and drenches all before thee. However, this is really great if you have a round of brews to make at work – saves a lot of time! Conversely, by picking your nose (depending on the nostril of choice), you will trigger your left or right eyebrew to send forth water. It’s really state of the art stuff!

Anyway, all you need to do is fund the surgery and Professional Moron’s doctor, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif, will insert the pipes through your face, into your skull, and stitch them into your eyebrows. Painless (to some extent), entirely safe (sort of), and a fantastic way to ensure you have a constant supply of hot water at all times (the pipes are attached to a 30 litre metal container which you’ll have to carry about with you on your back).

What About My Kettle?

Forget about it – that SOB is obsolete! You don’t need it anymore and it doesn’t need you. Get it to pack its bags. It’ll find a comfortable new home in an old folk’s centre, or something. There’s still plenty of work out there for any kettle, believe us, so don’t feel sorry for the metallic thing.

Indeed, feel sorry for your poor back as you’re weighed down by the massive container, replete with a motor to keep the water at scalding hot temperatures 24/7. Naturally, this thing kicks up a huge amount of pollution, which it belches into your local vicinity, consequently causing you all manner of superfluous health issues!

This lack of visibility will mean you occasionally miss yanking on your nose as you won’t be able to see – you may jab yourself in the eye by mistake. Never fear! You can’t sue us as we expect you to sign a liability waiver before getting your eyebrews installed. Enjoy!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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