Exclusive Invention: Concrete Plates (so you don’t break them)

Cement Plates
It’s concrete-astic!

Whilst plates are great for eating food off of, they have a habit of smashing all over the place if you so much as accidentally drop an anvil on them. This is barbaric! When we buy a plate, we don’t want to have to say: “Oh, there may be some point in the future when our anvil collection may disrupt our ability to eat from circular objects!” – that’s just outrageous.

Thusly, we got to it and invented the concrete plate – the world’s most indestructible plate! Now you can chow down on whatever you like, safe in the knowledge your concrete plate can’t be obliterated from the face of the Earth. Better yet, should any assailants suddenly burst into your home, you can use the plate to batter them senseless. It’s a win-win situation!

Concrete Plates

Concrete is made from cement which we’re big fans of here at Professional Moron. The result is all of our beautiful concrete plates are handmade here at the offices, with due care and diligence applied to each and every one to ensure you receive the plate of your dreams.

Naturally, with several cement mixers on our premises, we’re been annoying the neighbours by jumping ahead of schedule to create as many concrete plates as possible. We’re anticipating public demand, you see, so we’ve made 5,000 concrete plates and they’re all out in the shed waiting for delivery to YOUR address.

Yes, you can order from us today – simply send us £30 ($50) and we’ll post your concrete plate to your home or business (there’s an additional fee of £50 for the packaging costs – these things are bloody heavy!) for you to enjoy. It’s as simple as that! Your concrete plate will then become your favourite plate in the world – measuring 60cm by 70cm and weighing about the same as a small anvil, this thing will hold any food you dare imagine – even a Pot Noodle Sandwich (we’re plugging that at the moment, too)!

Going Concrete

The benefits of using a concrete plate over a traditional plate are beyond belief. For a start, if you drop the concrete plate it WILL NOT smash on the floor (do note, if you drop it on your foot, it will smash your foot to smithereens, so be careful) – our patented design ensures it’ll remain INTACT and you’ll be able to continue your meal (such as with a Pot Noodle sandwich!).

Other benefits include it won’t fit into your dishwasher, thusly saving you from having to use your washing machine (which will save you money). It’s a big hit at parties, too, with guests making comments such as “Wow, check out that amazing concrete plate!”. Additionally, it can be used as a doorstop, a terrible frisby, an even worse boomerang, and (if you don’t like the plate) a paperweight. Book today so we didn’t waste £20k making too many of these things in advance – for the love of God, please!


  1. So, it’s a square plate? Trendy hipster restaurants like square dishes, especially square bowls. Perhaps you can unload your concrete plates on them!


    • No, it’s more of a random shape we’ve found. It’s difficult to shape cement, so they vary between a square and oblong or hexagon or pentagon type thing. Very Hipster, I know.


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