Breaking News: Brexit Negotiations “Too Boring” – Spiced Up With Ravenous Alligators

Spicing up Brexit with alligators
The alligators have been forced to sign contracts indicating they will only ever attack politicians objectively.

Following complaints from the general public about Brexit negotiations being “too boring”, the government has introduced the Alligator Stimulation Act 2017 to enliven proceedings. Now British politicians and EU representatives will negotiate Article 50 with numerous wild alligators in the local vicinity to “spice things up a bit”.

Alligators, which are prone to arbitrary outbursts of aggression, have turned the negotiations into a life-or-death dice; discussing the terms for England’s exit from the EU is now interspersed with attempting to not be eaten alive by ravenous scaly monsters. Cretinous, PC promoting liberals have condemned the move, but with the Prime Minister’s complete backing the public will now be able to enjoy Brexit as it should be enjoyed.

Alligator Stimulation Act

Whilst some have questioned the need for the act, unelected Prime Minister Theresa May has been insistent the general public should be kept entertained whilst the protracted, hugely tedious process takes place over the following two years. In an email to the Queen of England, she allegedly stated:

“The problem with Brexit, and politics in general, is it's just all so bloody boring. Your average idiot on the street has no idea what's going on, so it'd be wise to add a fun spin to Brexit to ensure the layman isn't alienated by the monotonous negotiations, political jargon, and insipid nature of it all. As a consequence, by bringing in alligators we can keep everyone entertained, whilst also bumping off a few of our less important politicians who are a bit past their sell by date. I trust you condone all of this, Ma'am, and I will see this weekend for tea, scones, crumpets, and a conversation about how smoking hot Tony Blair was in the early '90s era."

The alligators were introduced into meeting rooms over the weekend and, this morning, there was the first incident when a janitor trod on the alligator’s tail and was decapitated shortly afterwards. Following on from this, many politicians had their speeches interrupted by rampaging beasts.

It is noted the bill is already a success, as what would otherwise be largely yawnsome prolixity has been enlivened by regular shrieks of horror, dismay, and outright pain. With everyone on the edge of their seat, sweating nervously, and casually eyeing the sinister alligators as they shuffle about, even conversations about tax on trade have been made into prime time television.

Jumping the Shark

There are now calls to ensure the alligator gimmick doesn’t lose its edge, so there will be weekly negotiations held out at sea to add further public intrigue to Brexit. A steady chum line will be laced in an area off the coast of the British Channel, where great whites will hopefully congregate. Politicians will then take to the waters and debate the living daylights out of it all.

If anyone is left by the end of the meeting, the politicians are then returned to land where they will be forwarded to the nearest psychiatric centre for injections of morphine. Again, PC loony lefties have criticised such a move, stating it is turning Brexit into a “reality TV farce”, but then what do those libtards know? Brexit will go down in history as a historical moment, which also made for damn entertaining TV and press coverage.

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