Exclusive Invention: The Squashing Machine (a washing machine which squashes stuff)

The Squashing Machine
Our squashing machines on the production line!

With one eye on the wine making industry, the other on peoples’ need to wash stuff, we’ve created the squashing machine. This contraption is your standard washing machine, replete with an economical wash function of 30 minutes at only 30 degrees! Gee whizz, it’ll wash your clothes up a notch leaving you with a big grin on your stupid face.

It also doubles up as a squashing device, due to the pneumatic processor underneath which enables it to leap 10 feet into the air, before crashing back down to earth. We believe this will help wine making people (who are, generally, pretty filthy from trampling on grapes all the time) to stay clean, squash grapes faster, and make more money from people like Frasier Crane. It’s going to revolutionise the industry!

The Squashing Machine

The current wine making industry is prehistoric in its approach, using human feet to mush up grapes in giant wooden buckets. This is unacceptable. There must be a better way… and there now it! The squashing machine weighs 1 metric tonne and features an extra brilliant spin cycle to whisk those grape stains out of your clothes.

Wine makers can even stick their clothes into the machine whilst it squashes, doubling productivity as they go about their other duties stark naked. Never fear, we have an analogous tumble dryer in production, too, which will let you dry your clothes super fast… whilst it also squashes those grapes!

Of course, the squashing machine can be used by non-wine makers as well. It functions perfectly as an effective washing machine, so no matter if your job consists of clearing gunk out of public toilets, you’re the top flight exec of a popular cheese making business, or you’re an unemployable wretch, you can use this thing to keep your sockies clean!

“Won’t It Destroy My Home?”

Whilst this is unlikely, as the the squashing machine erupts up and down by up to 10 feet, it may cause significant damage to the local vicinity in your home and any loved ones in its way. Our recommendation is you place the squashing machine in your garden for safe keeping. You can affix a polite notice to the front of it to ensure thieves don’t take it, or just leave it on 24/7 as even the most hardened thug will be too terrified to go near the thing when it’s operating.

The device is only £1,000 ($1,500) for the standard model. The Squashing Machine Deluxe for the wine making industry features a complimentary bottle of Lambrini and hard hats for all the staff, meaning it’s slightly pricier at £10,000 a unit. However, you’ll get bang for your buck as this beauty will get people drunk faster and make you super rich!

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