Great Sayings Revisited: The early bird catches worms

The early bird catches worms
I got worms.

Now, in the modern world, with business 24/7 and business spiel in your face 7/7, 365, it’s tempting to think you can get up early and be a demigod just by getting up super early. Well, you shouldn’t, as if you go along an old adage you’ll end up with wriggly things feasting on stuff inside of you. Gross, right? That’s what being an “early bird” does to you.

The concept an early riser obtains parasites is a bit judgemental if you ask us, but there you go. Here we have this week’s dumb saying which doesn’t make any sense and is stupid! Our entire adult lives we’ve been too terrified to get up before 9am due to this saying, so we’ve decided to see if there’s any truth behind it. Yes, today our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, got up at 6am. These are the results.

The early bird catches worms

Dizziness, malaise, and fatigue – that’s what Mr. Wapojif, who had been out all night partying and went to bed at 4am, felt as he arose at 6am. His assessment of the situation was, as the rest of the Professional Moron office sat around with paper and pencil to take notes, pretty terrifying to behold. At this point we realise – the goddamn saying is true!

Thusly, we now know all people who get up early have worms. Jesus, we hope that’s not contagious. It also gives a lot away – Margaret Thatcher, famous for her early morning rising and lack of sleep, was clearly plagued by them. In analogous fair, business moguls whom insist an early morning start is the only way to live are living a lie – they all have worms.

Worms aren’t all bad, of course. Without worms the Earth wouldn’t have any birds and, without birds, we wouldn’t have that Alfred Hitchcock film, which wouldn’t have paved the way to horror films like Jaws. So in this respect they’re essentially substandard snakes but, simultaneously, we’re pretty sure you don’t want them wriggling about inside you.

Presumably, the saying must have come about as someone observed birds, who never sleep, and deducted from their miserable existences they must have worms. Why else would they be flying everywhere all the time? They’re attempting to escape their fate and, consequently, taking to the skies is the only way to do so. They also eat worms, which is weird, but probably due to their inferior digestive system this is how they catch the parasites in the first place. Idiots.

Other Issues

For any other early risers out there, we’re happy we can be the whistleblower on this most heinous of crimes. Firstly, getting up all early will give you worms – this is a fact. Secondly, there are a batch of other problems which arise from arising when you should not be arising at all.

Although research is ongoing, it’s believed conditions such as gout, scurvy, dandruff, itching, runny nose, acne, belligerence, nescience, and trouble closing doors are all caused by getting up early in the morning and being productive. Professional Moron’s research has indicated you will not develop parasites so long as you are exceptionally lazy and morbidly obese – two achievable goals for any human being. The only irony here is Jabba the Hut, who is lazy and obese, is also a giant worm, which means our research is ongoing.

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