Scones are great if you’re an upper class British toff, but the reality for most of us is they’re simply beyond our reach. Go into any supermarket and what do you think will be there – a load of scones? Fool! It’s nothing but tatty white bread made by peasants who go home to sleep in a ditch with a rock blanket at night.
Thankfully, we’re middle class British toffs at Professional Moron, so we’re able to pick up scones from the reduced to clear sections of supermarkets; societies scone cast-offs, in other words. We don’t drive, though, but we’ve since come up with a brilliant road car industry invention which will bring scones to the masses and ensure you stay safe behind the wheel!
As with many of our inventions, this one is so simple we’re amazed a moron didn’t come up with it! This hybrid merges scones with cones for a spectacularly safe and enticing result! Just imagine flipping your Robin Reliant, or whatever, and sliding to a halt on your roof, then peering our of your shattered windscreen to see a lovely batch of scones welded into the sCones.
We know exactly what you’d be thinking: “Wow… that was an ordeal, but at least now I can chow down on lovely, delicious scones! Does anyone have any limbs still attached to their body? If so, please pass over the whipped cream – there’s dining to be had!” etc. Alternatively, you might just run out of petrol, of something, and need something to eat whilst you wait for a recovery vehicle. Either way, this invention is genius!
To ensure the scones within the sCones stay fresh for months on end, we’ve cooked them up with the finest shelf-life enhancing pesticides you can imagine, principally monosodium glutamate. There are only minor side effects with this one (including depression, disorientation, eye damage, fatigue, headaches, and obesity), but, as a precaution, we recommend you don’t get behind the wheel after tasting one of our sCones.
The sCones are specially cooked and constructed at the Professional Moron office and are welded together to ensure they’re not dismantled by adverse weather conditions. Mighty tasty and versatile, keep an eye out for them when you’re driving as they’re a fun snack at any time of the day!
Naturally, as students like to steal traffic cones, we’ve built in theft avoidance software and hardware to ensure our sCones stay on the roads. Any students attempting to steal one will find the sCone erupts with 1,000 poisonous needles when touched, which will cause them to collapse on the floor frothing wildly at the mouth.
Naturally, you may wonder how you gain access to the sCone with this device in operation – tweezers. It’s as simple as that. You’ll be handed a pair of tweezers by a sCone expert in your area, thusly allowing you to dine at will. Naturally, this means we’ll need to hire a load of people to hand these out, but unemployment is high, so why not? Just expect these people to be paid abysmally.
Finally, if any students work out how to get around the tweezer ploy, then the sCone will simply detonate with the power of a firework, spoiling the scones and rendering the product useless. These are controlled by our extensive monitoring network and are triggered remotely by Mr. Wapojif, so nothing could ever go wrong!