Exclusive Recipe: Satsuma, Salt, & Mayonnaise Sandwiches

Satsuma Sandwiches
Great with mayonnaise!

Satsumas are great, I think we can all agree with this, but they don’t really make a regular appearance on sandwiches much. This is a disgrace. The fruit is, basically, a deformed orange, as if it’s had stunted growth but not missed out on flavour. Clementines and tangerines, however, are diseased pustules which could only ever dream of being as mighty as the satsuma.

So, today, we’re honouring the satsuma by making an amazing sandwich recipe which will knock your socks off, leaving you to remark: “Crap! My socks have been knocked off! Now I need new socks!” – don’t pursue legal action about that with us, we warn you. We view litigation as a profit centre. The same goes if you put dodgy mayo in with this. That’s not our fault. It’s yours, stupid.

Satsuma, Salt, & Mayonnaise Sandwiches

There are three ingredients you’ll need to make this sandwich: satsumas, salt, and mayonnaise. Plus, bread. So that’s four, really, so we should have thought a bit harder about that before we started this paragraph. Now this is a wasted paragraph – pure filler. What a waste of digital space.

Anyway, you put this together as you’d make any normal sandwich. You get your bread, you peel your satsuma (don’t not peel it… how dumb do you need to be for us to explain this?), have a bag of sea salt ready, and crack open a jar of mayonnaise. It’s time to party!

Carefully place the satsuma segments onto the bread in a neat row. Being an era of excess, of course, we encourage you to spread mayo and salt across the top liberally. We mean properly go for it – make it like it’s a seeping wound of hideousness so when you put the second bread slice on top of what will look like a disaster zone, crap will go splatting out onto your kitchen work surface.

Similarly, trying to eat this thing will induce great amounts of embarrassment as satsuma segments and the mayo/salt paste disintegrates the bread, causing the whole thing to implode gradually in your hands. It’s really not a sandwich to consume at work.

Maximising Mayo

The real magic of this sandwich is the colossal salt overdose involved, which really wakes you up if you’re feeling a bit fatigued. The mayo is central to this to ensure you’re not left dehydrated and so you don’t immediately spew everywhere as soon as the salt overtakes your senses. Naturally, the satsuma adds a pleasant aftertaste to all this.

It’s imperative, however, you maximise the mayo – go all out with it, proper full fat, extra lard, extra salt, extra eggs. Just make sure it’s slathered all over the sandwich so, when you do take your first bite, it may as well NOT be a satsuma sandwich, but a slice of heavenly perfection.

Of course, if the mayonnaise is off, then events will descend into a torrid time of it: you slumped in your bathroom with black spots flashing before your eyes. That’s not the best fun ever, as our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, found out, but it’s a step above tuna and mayo sandwiches, we can assure you. Indeed. In-bloody-deed.


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