Exclusive Recipe: Pommes de Tear (make your torn clothes edible)

Pommes de Tear clothes recipe
Quick! Get them off and into a recipe!

There comes a time in any person’s life when their current batch of clothes is screaming “ENOUGH ALREADY!” – there’s a massive rip in your crotch area which you’ve convinced yourself isn’t quite at indecent exposure level just yet, your tops have torn out at the armpits, and your elbows are poking through the elbow bits. Begrudgingly, you know it’s time to waste cash on new clothes.

So, what about your old ones? You could hand them over to tramps, take them to a clothes bank for the “poor and needy” (i.e. working class reprobates), or you can bake yourself the classic pommes de tear recipe. Why? As it’s the ideal place for all your torn clothes and, by Jove, it’s mighty tasty to boot!

Pommes de Tear

This classic French recipe is about as French as it gets – food and fashion, rolled into one! It’s really up to you how you go about it, too; you could throw in the arm of your old favourite sweater, a snippet from your skinny jeans, a wodge from your tattered jeans, and a slither off your torn scarf.

Innovate as much as you want, just be sure to get those pommes (potatoes) boiled and mashed up so you can really get a tasty deal on the go. Bung the lot together, stick it in the oven, and before you know it you’ve baked yourself a delicious recipe which, handily, removes your old clothes with the minimum of fuss.

Granted, we’ve found consuming and digesting the clothes somewhat difficult (if not tortuous and unpleasant), with our apprentice rushed to hospital to have some of Mr. Wapojif’s old socks stomach pumped back out of his body. Yeah – you don’t want to go down that route! Our esteemed editor only bathes thrice a year, meaning his sockies are on the nasty side of things.

Other than this, we found munching our way through old shirts and pullovers to be relatively appetising. It’ll help you enormously if you’re extremely intoxicated or out of your mind on hallucinogenic drugs – this way, you really will have no idea about what you’re eating. Helpful.

Nutritional Value

Clothes aren’t packed full of vitamins and minerals, but they do have bits of fluff which contain amoebic life forms. That’s some good protein right there. As they pass through your digestive system, they’ll also barge and gorge their way through you, bringing with them any parasites which are hanging around in there. Nice! Until it comes to voiding time, which is about as much fun as rap music.

Don’t be alarmed, however, as pommes de tear makes for quite the filling meal, which will ensure you fulfill your diet goals in time for summer 2017! Achieve your beach bod in record time and get rid of your old clothes with this rather disturbing, but (not entirely) highly effective and healthy method!


  1. I rarely eat potatoes due to their high calorie count. Can I use sweet potatoes instead? They have 1/3 the calories of potatoes. OR is there an Italian pasta version?


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