Exclusive Invention: Slipper Kippers (for wearing and eating!)

Slipper Kippers
Nice slippers. How tasty are they?

This is a new recipe and invention all in one! Mind you, recipes are inventions we suppose, but this one merges the traditional breakfast of kippers with the traditional footwear of slippers to have one of the greatest known foodstuffs and home comforts all-in-one! We really do astonish ourselves with our genius, sometimes.

Why would you want to go around with fish on your feet? Well, the great thing about this product is the convenience. You buy the slipper kippers from a store and you can then wear them as slippers until you get hungry. At this point, you can then take the slippers off, throw them into a pan, and cook them up. How much more accessible can you get?! Why, only having a maid to cook them for you would improve matters.

Slipper Kippers

Now, when we were putting these through the production phase we were visited by food health and safety inspectors. They said it was “disgusting” and “unacceptable” homeowners should wander about getting bacteria over their slipper kippers – one inspector said it was “a disgrace” we expected someone to eat them.

We don’t think it’s a disgrace at all! It’s astonishingly ignorant to suggest we at Professional Moron would never place consumer welfare at a reasonably high priority. Believe us, we know full well that if our customers are dead, we can’t make money, become stinking rich, and sneer down at poor people. Thusly, it’s an extreme interest for us to ensure most of our customers survive long enough to keep buying from us.

To provide this level of personal safety, we’ve relied on our good old friend chemical grade bleach to ensure the kippers fend off nasty germs when you’re stomping about in your home. You can, consequently, stomp about in, for instance, your bathroom, stick your feet down the bog, and get the pet dog to lick your slipper kippers dry! That bleach will keep them as safe as a pair of socks being guarded by God.

Kippers (can) You Believe It?!

Once you’re hungry, you simply remove the slippers, get some butter (a whole tub will do), and then fling everything in a pan. Marvellous! The downside, of course, is you then might not have any slippers left – make sure you bulk buy kipper slippers (£30 a pair – $50 in the US) from us to avoid this slipper-based disappointment.

Now, we have had some complaints from our more dimwitted customers. They are saying by using kipper slippers, the foul stench of kippers is left lingering about the home indefinitely. This is nonsense. Granted, there will be a slight increase in the amount of kipper smell than before, but what you’ll mainly be breathing in is the overriding odour of bleach – and who doesn’t love the smell of that?!

Our plan is now to extend our range of fish-based clothing and food mergers. In the coming months, we’ll be turning our attention to salmon shorts (we’re hoping to get Brad Pitt to model this), trout trainers (we’ve asked Amy Adams to trial run these), cod capes (Christian Bale will do the duties here, naturally), haddock cushions (Tilda Swinton is apparently interested), and mackerel mittins (Ralph Fiennes has been approached). Our fortune awaits!


    • Hmmm… how about celery slippers? That’d work. I’m convinced this edible footwear idea is genius. The downside is you just need to have endless buckets of bleach to limit contamination, but I guess that’s not much of a downside.


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