This recipe is an adaptation of the traditional English recipe banoffee pie, which is a mixture of toffee, banana, sugar, salt, aspic, and radiation residue left over from the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. As progressivists here at Professional Moron, we’re always eager to push the boundaries, innovate, and introduce genius to the world. This is why we’ve decided to, naturally, combine feet with this recipe to create banofeet pie. Lovely jubbly.

As any chef, amateur or otherwise, knows, the trick to being a good chef is to know when to chef. If that sounds deliberately vague then you can take your cynicism elsewhere – chefs simply know when it is time to chef (usually when one’s stomach makes that weird gurgling noise) and banofeet pie is one recipe which will have the cheffiest chef cheffing it up a notch before you can say: “Are you even sure this is a good idea?”. Bonanza.

Banofeet Pie

Bananas are great and prove atheists are incorrect, immoral scumbags – look at that handy shape! Why, even an imbecile can open one of those! Feet are not so easy to harness into a recipe, though, primarily as most people are repulsed by them. Tragically, it is 2017 and yet there is still rampant feetism prevalent in today’s society. Where are the social justice warriors to defend feet? Huh?!

Thankfully, we’re smart enough to know banofeet pie will redress the balance. We want pictures of feet up on enormous billboards for the whole world to see, and it all starts with this recipe. Now, to be clear, this recipe isn’t about hacking peoples’ feet off and sticking them in a pie – no. It’s about harnessing the pretty disgusting nature of feet and making them useful in some way.

Let’s be clear about what feet do – they’re a, sort of, inverted (or deformed – depends which way you look at it) hand which humans use to propel themselves along. They’re usually hidden in these things called “socks” during which time a mass of bacteria and fungus formulates, along with mould, dust, mud, and whatever else you get up to whilst you’re out and about.

Banofeet pie is about harnessing this freeform type of foot-based foraging, thusly meaning the pie has a distinctive, unique taste every time around. Simply prepare your pastry as normal, get your feet ready (i.e. naked – you’ll have to take your socks off), and then scrape (using a butcher’s knife) the underside of your foot to relinquish the aforementioned foot of the aforementioned bits and bobs into the pastry. Voila!

“But That’s Disgusting…”

Well, you can take your disgusting prejudice elsewhere if you have a problem with this! Banofeet pie is cheap, convenient, and whilst it will make you want to never so much as look at a foot ever again, after a year on a diet of banofeet pie you will have lost a lot of weight, and you’ll have the cleanest sockies on whichever hemisphere you currently reside.

We’ll be expanding our foot-based products in the future as we predicate the success of this product with the knowledge feet will be much more celebrated. Chief amongst our new products will be a foot massager made out of olive oil and disused needles (kindly donated by heroin addicts), a social media platform called Feetbook, and the foot massage dialogue scene from Pulp Fiction will now be treated as holy scripture. Social progress – it is good and tasty.