Chronic narcissism is increasingly prevalent in today’s society as people are now able to indulge in this glaring foible quite freely without remonstration. It wasn’t possible in the past – you had to put some effort in for this attention, such as get some acting classes, be recognised for your talent, and become a movie star. These days, why bother? Gurn in front of a mirror whilst half naked, snap a picture, post it online, and await adoration: “Bae u so hot” etc.

Frankly, we’re sick of all the bloody posturing and self-indulgence, which is why we’ve invented the humbrella. This device will, violently, ensure no human being is able to indulge in their narcissistic tendencies whilst the contraption is in use. It will also help you to keep dry in the event of light, heavy, or catastrophic rain. It is also acceptable for use during drizzle, although it’s debatable if you should use an umbrella in the event of a bit of fine rain, but that’s a discussion for another day. The point is to curtail vanity – here we go!

The Humblebrella

Whilst our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, is prone to bouts of self-aggrandisation (he considers himself to have the academic genius of Einstein, the looks of Brad Pitt, the charm of Oscar Wilde, the sophistication of Naomi Campbell, and the purity of an organically grown tomato), he is aware it does need to be toned down to ensure others around him aren’t appalled by his overt superiority.

This is what spurred him on to create the humblebrella, which is a verbally and physically abusive product which costs a princely sum of a mere £300 ($400). You get real bang for you buck with this thing – it’s wired up with what we’ve dubbed the VanOviolent CPU, which has AI (artificial intelligence) akin to a petulant teenager being denied the right to buy deodorant by its parents.

This CPU ensures, whenever the person opens the humblebrella during a bout of rain, it will begin a verbal onslaught the likes of which they’ll not have seen before. “Hey! You! You! You disgusting b*****!” it will shout at you. The idea is to draw attention to the person as they walk in public and humiliate them – to achieve this it will soon begin roaring affirmations on Nazi propaganda, accusations the humblebrella wielder is inclined towards members of the same sex, and the individual is also a “poopypants”.

Such verbal abuse is matched by the physical drubbing the humblebrella owner gets. The thing is wired up to provide electric shocks every 10 seconds, which will be enough to cause the product owner to scream in agony after about 10 minutes of exposure. This shouldn’t be viewed as morally inappropriate, however, as the device is dealing important life lessons. It will also go bloody mental if the person draws forth their smartphone – it emits a monumental foghorn blast which will render the owner unconscious in seconds!

Effective for Social Change?

Admittedly, there’s no real rhyme or reason with this thing – you just open it up and it’ll begin battering you immediately. We could have made something which would target seflie takers, for instance, more specifically, but that would have taken too much effort – instead, we’ve decided to market this on the high probability people who pick it up will, potentially, be narcissistic. That’s got to be a hit rate of, say, 1 in every 5 purchasers, right? We could have done some market research, we guess, but that’s boring.

Our hope is you’ll pick one of these bad boys up and get the what for put right back into you. Thusly, next time you pout it up and think it’s time to put that, like, super cute pic on Instagram and await a horde of perverts and admirers to pile on in with “bae your so fit” comments, you’ll think better of it due to the psychological damage caused by the humblebrella. Mission accomplished.