The whole of the UK was plunged into anarchy at the start of August when pavements were officially renamed “sidewalks” as part of the UK’s desire to be taken more seriously by Americans. However, the government’s move backfired when confused Brits failed to adapt rapidly to the shift, with the UK now resembling such scenes of panic made famous by Hollywood blockbuster movies Independence Day, Jaws, and When Harry Met Sally.
Despite an aggressive leaflet campaign from the government warning of the change, only 35% of Brits were prepared. The remaining 75% singularly failed to prep and went into the morning like a Staffordshire bull terrier preparing for its first walk of the day – carnage ensued. With thousands of cars demolished, motorways blocked, and High Streets left in ruin, walking disaster zone Prime Minister Theresa May quickly refused to acknowledge anything was wrong. Furthermore, August 1st 2017 will henceforth be known as National Sidewalk Day and Brits will be forced to celebrate on pain of death.
I’m Walking Here!
Traditionally, that bit of concrete stretching along the side of roads has been known as “pavement” in the UK. In America, it is often (as in always) referred to as the “sidewalk”. Playful joshing between nations about the difference has been in effect for decades, but came to a head in 2017 when Dustin Hoffman attempted to reenact his famous scene from Midnight Cowboy in London’s Oxford Circus, but was instead assaulted by several acne-ridden chavs (i.e. youthful delinquents).
Attempting to downplay the incident as, you know, Caucasian British chavs are perfect and all that, London politicians rallied together and instead blamed the incident on the confusion between sidewalks and pavements. One, who wished to remain nameless, said:
"It was simply a misunderstanding. Dustin was confused by a dustbin on the side of the pavement and commented: "Gee, we don't do it like that on the sidewalk in 'Murricah!" and one chav said: "Nah, mate, dats dah fuckin' pavement, mate, you fuckin' numpty poofter!" to which Hoffman and the youth soon became embroiled in a furious bout of fisticuffs. Thankfully, Hoffman is fine, and the chav is sleeping off his hangover in a prison cell where he'll, no doubt, be back within 30 days."
National tabloid the Sun promptly, in its hyperbolic exclusive, ran a headline reading “Pavements Causing A List Celebrities to RIOT in UK’s Most Shameful Language-Based Incident!” and stated:
"A List celebrities arriving in the UK are being forced to beat up deranged hoodlums, it has emerged this week. Actor Dustin Hoffman and a youth of 18 were seen scrapping outside of a McDonald's in Oxford Circus. It soon became apparent a PAVEMENT was the cause of the scuffle after Hoffman outraged a chav with his, allegedly, racist use of language which movked the nearby, much celebrated (in the local community) pavement. Before long, half of London was rioting in the name of pavements, with the army called in to restore order with trudgeons, harsh language, and occasional tea breaks. Hoffman later said: 'In 'Murricah, we don't think our sidewalk is God!'
Deport Them All
After this bout of anarchy, the government immediately introduced the Pavements to be Renamed Sidewalks to Keep Everyone From Fighting Bill 2017 and rolled out the change without a democratic vote. Theresa May has insisted this is to keep everyone from fighting. However, this backfired when Brits failed to adapt to the shift and this led to, once again, a nationwide riot in the name of concrete.
Outraged right wingers have, as always, in the world’s online comments sections blamed everything on liberals, feminism, and the climate change lie. There is now a national petition to “Deport Them All” which has been signed by 50,000 people – the “them” is apparently the nation’s reserves of concrete and already established bits of pavement, which will be dumped into the Loch Ness. More news to follow.