Exclusive Recipe: BAGuettes (baguettes made out of plastic bags)

Baguettes food and a plastic bin bag
A freshly made BAGuette. Yum.

Most of us, unless you’re well and truly self-absorbed, know there’s something of a plastic crisis going on in the world. There’s so much plastic, in fact, that scientists have predicted the world will just be one great big ball of plastic by the year 2050, which is only about 70 years away. This is a terrifying prospect, but one which we’ve decided to make money off of because, you know, that’s the way to not give a damn about depressing stuff like economic problems anymore.

Cue us! We got to thinking – baguettes are delicious, but they don’t assist with recycling in any way shape or form. This is a disgrace. Thusly, we’ve invented the BAGuette to take all those unused plastic bags out there and turn them into just about edible foodstuffs which will cause a plastic bag revolution. It’s a great way to carry yourself forward in the name of the environmental cause.

BAGuettes

The BAGuette does, of course, double up as a plastic bag as well as a traditional French baguette. One mustn’t ignore the possibilities of products working in tandem (such as our spectacular failures the cushIron or the cemint), with bread and plastic now living together in harmony thanks to our endeavour. It makes us weep happy tears just to look at the BAGuette… or maybe we’ve got blood poisoning from all the plastic everywhere in the Professional Moron office, we’re not sure.

Anyway, to make yourself a BAGuette is pretty easy. You simply bake a baguette as normal, but when preparing and kneading the dough, you chuck in a spare plastic bag. Shape the bag down the centre of the baguette so it will bake in an elongated bag shape – you then bake as normal. Upon removing the BAGuette from the oven, you will find you now have a freshly baked baguette and a bag all-in-one!

The funnel like bag is excellent for storing things such as marbles, long thin rods, shaving equipment, and torpedoes, plus it all looks rather stylish as well. Then, when you do get peckish, you can break off chunks of bread and chow down! Just make sure you don’t eat any of the plastic bag or you will, potentially, die hideously from asphyxiation.

BAGuettes For Life

Heard of a Bag for Life? We’ve gone and done a BAGuette for Life! It doesn’t actually last for life, unfortunately, but then neither do the former lot. Mr. Wapojif, for instance, is 32 and he certainly doesn’t expect to still be wielding his cotton Bag for Life some 70 years from now when he’s 102. No, he expects to have been through several hundred “bags for life” by then. False advertising!

Nothing wrong with duping consumers, though, which is why we’ve employed the same tactic to muscle our way into the market. The BAGuette for Life lasts for about four days before it starts going stale, growing mould, smelling, and gradually disintegrating. As such, we can recommend you eat it as quickly as possible – you can then return the bag to us and we’ll, for £10 ($15), bake you a new BAGuette free of charge (apart from the aforementioned fiscal totality)! Yes! Bread! Bags! Bread Bags! Huzzah!

8 comments

  1. I baked my BAGuette last week and I can say it’s changed my life exponentially. Before I struggled with where to store my VHS tapes of my ex-wives recent wedding to her personal trainer Bruno but with my BAGuette I can take them with me anywhere WHILST still enjoying a healthy lunch. Thanks Professional Moron, I give it a perfect score of 5/7. Would recommend to friends and family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m pleased to hear it, although it sounds like you stole a glance at my blueprints for this recipe… this is an outrage! But that perfect score is rather glorious, so I will let you off.

      I can also recommend VHS tapes on toast, should you need to get rid of any further VHS tapes. Mega tasty with a dollop of marmite.

      Like

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