Exclusive Santa Column: Revving Up For Christmas!

Santa Claus Christmas push
Santa dishes the dirt on what it takes to get to this point. Oh my.

Okay, there’s no more messing about. Christmas is but a month away and it’s all engines blazing, gung-ho push time. It’s what I’ve dubbed Madness Month as it gets pretty crazy and, of course, this is when the death toll skyrockets at my factory as my elves struggle to control the sense of panic and the workload demands 20+ hours shifts. Santa don’t apologise – this is what has to happen if you want your Christmas presents. It’s on your heads!

Malicious Morale

To boost morale, my tactic as a successful business owner is to be malicious. My elves are severely underpaid, which is great, but I also set booby traps around the working environment to keep them on their toes. I’ve invested in rattlesnakes – 12 of them – and placed them around the factory. They have a habit of striking with the utmost belligerence when hapless elves wander on by. It’s hilarious listening to their pathetic girly screams.

My favourite trap is what I’ve called the Swinging Yuletide Log. This is an enormous log covered in chocolate. I’ve put this up next to the toilet entrance (just as a reminder, there’s one toilet on site for my 1,500 workers – any more is an extravagance!) so freeloading elves are pulverised by chocolate (and the thunderous log) should they trigger it off with their time wasting.

My head elf, Bob, complained about this and has threatened to report me to the local authorities.  I decided to make an example of him, so he now has to work stark naked with one of my spare Swinging Yuletide Logs tied to him by a rope. I’ve also put him on the fake vomit and excrement making machine just to ensure his misery is palpable. No one is reporting Santa. Not never.

Team Building Exercises

Whilst I push my staff hard, I do also take everyone’s well-being seriously (i.e. If they’re all dead, no presents will be made, so it’s in my interest to keep them functioning). Essential to this is how they get on with each other. Elves, by nature, are full of energy, talkative, upbeat,  gullible, and fairly stoic. This makes them perfect for exploitation.

They get on pretty well with each other, but the team building exercises I held last week have had superb results. I was so delighted, I had a little cry. So, what happened? Well, we gathered outside in the subzero temperatures and Santa ordered them all to run around the factory – physical exercise is a brilliant way to get beleaguered individuals improving. There was a lot of huffing and puffing, plus a number of cardiac arrests, but it was all highly positive.

After this (whilst still outside in the subzero temperatures), I gave them all a few dozen crates of my finest liquor and left them to it. I came back three hours later and at least 100 of the stupid little gits had gotten drunk, passed out, and frozen to death. Large segments of the rest were openly brawling, whilst a contingent was bellowing out Christmas songs in their funny high-pitched voices.

I didn’t want to get involved with the belligerent lot, so left them all to sort out their fight to the deaths by themselves. Employees appreciate private time, so it was the right thing to do. So, I decided to join in with the revelers. I cracked open a bottle of brandy and within the hour I was totally nude and roaring Silent Night at the top of my lungs with the best of them. I have never felt so connected to my staff. It was beautiful.

Aftermath

My recollection of the bits after I hit the bottle aren’t available, but when I did a head count following the exercises I found my staff total had dropped from 1,500 to 1,233. 267 utterly pointless deaths isn’t too bad, really, I’m sure the sense of loss won’t linger amongst the others for too long. Elves are rather malleable, after all. Hideous deaths, accidents, and more rarely scar them psychologically.

As such, I hail all of this a major success and will commence the push to Christmas with gusto. I’ve bought a whip, like Indiana Jones, and will be driving forward my production with the menace of a psychopath. Ho ho ho, everyone, your presents are on the way! Except you naughty people. You’re getting jack.

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