Exclusive Santa Column: Shaking Up The Xmas Script

Christmas and Santa Claus
Santa reveals all about the future of Christmas!

As Santa Claus, I’ve often viewed Christmas as a finitely cyclical process of ensuring screaming little brats don’t scream like brats on Christmas Day. My job is, in essence, to deliver presents to petulant tossers. I could create a grandiose overview of my duty, but it’s somewhat futile. I am merely a jolly fat man with a task to complete; like a hippopotamus must wallow in filth, I must wallow as a rotund individual in filthy riches.

I must, however, contemplate the future of Christmas. Is it feasible to maintain this on a global scale? The corporate synergy in effect represents a business model which must incentivise the deep dive disruption acknowledged by the impactful bleeding edge that is 24/7 contemporary business life. Where, then, can I take the Santa Claus business machine over the coming decade? Today, join me on this journey as I reveal the core competency that ideates my deliverables within the sphere of amplification.

Christmas: The Future

Whilst I don’t think Christmas Day will move date this year, I do want it shifted as soon as possible. I have suggested a new Christmas Day of June 1st, so we can wrap up the Christmas run and then I can go and chill in the Bahamas. I like my sunbathing, but that’s somewhat difficult in the North Pole (public nudity is frowned upon, you see).

Excesses must also be alleviated. The reindeer are expendables, my elves aren’t as effective as they should be, and my factory site is still contaminated with radiation from the nuclear disaster I triggered back in 2015. For 2018, I have initiated impactive exit strategies which set a clear goal of the sales funnel I have ensured will propel a paradigm shift towards boosting the leverage plan which shall obtain the low hanging fruit within my holistic sustainability profit centre.

Putting the X in Xmas

Over the last week, as you might have noticed in today’s column, I’ve researched business spiel in order to ideate the ideation which ideates within the ideating ideationising of my ideas. Being able to spout words like ideate ensures my ideas carry clout and are, consequently, ideated.

With these exhilarating buzzwords come grand scale possibilities (which, of course, must be ideated before they can reach fruition). Whether it’s my plan to smear all presents in jam to make them more enjoyable, or to take advantage of my good looks to overtly sexualise my sex appeal (women are constantly throwing themselves at me – I’ve fended off three in the last 30 years), by buzzing like this I’m surefire to be on fire with my schedule in 2018.

As Bob Geldof said, these times they are changing. It is my duty to shake up the Christmas machine and, below, you’ll find my business strategy which will shake shit up. A lot of changes are on the way, all of them for the better.

Gym TIme for santa

Whilst I’m aware I’m gorgeous, my sedate, alcohol, and mince pie heavy existence has ensured I’ve become somewhat portly in recent years. Wealthy I may well be, but the babes won’t queue up if Santa looks like Jabba the Hutt’s effluence. So I’ve set myself a rigid fitness regime, which includes three hours pumping iron, four hours running on the treadmill, and a 500 calorie intake each day.

After a week on this, I must admit to feeling a little bit unstable. I’ve collapsed on a dozen separate occasions, had several cardiac arrests, and was hallucinating about Rudolph and me in a sauna (I don’t want to reveal any further details). As a result, our new on-site nurse, Barbara, has taken to injecting me with cortisone once an hour to keep my energy up. After an injection like that, I feel about ready to punch a hole in a wall! So, I do. I’ve called it my Punch Wall, although Mrs. Santa Claus has been chastising me about the numerous holes in it. Stupid woman.

Nude Santa Calendar

I’ve lost a few pounds, though, so yesterday put together a nude Santa calendar for the ladies to enjoy. Each month, you get to see another nude Santa, with me dressed up as a fireman, gladiator, sailor, walrus, elephant, and as a combine harvester. I’m proud of this calendar as it makes me feel beautiful – I posted a teaser onto my Instagram account and comments such as “this made me puke”, “BURN IT WITH FIRE!!!”, and “WTF?!?!” from homophobic males made me realise this was, indeed, the right decision.

Nude Elf Calendar

At gunpoint, I forced my 1,200+ elves to strip and pose for 12 pictures for each month in 2018. They threatened to sue me, but in a cortisone rage I responded by threatening to gun them all down. With slobber dribbling from my mouth and big bushy Santa beard, they knew I was serious. This calendar won’t be as popular as Santa’s, of course, but it should still draw in enough weirdos for ROI on my pipeline ideation.

And finally… more sandwiches

Around this point I had business block (where you can’t think of business initiatives), but as I was munching on a sausage sandwich (no double entendre intended) at the time, I thought: “Gee, everyone should be able to munch on my sausage!”, although I think that came out a bit wrong.

Consequently, I got to work on my grand project for ’18 – this is the game changer! I scrawled out my proposal on a piece of old coffee stained paper in a mixture of biro and blood. Then I personally cleared the proposal I wrote myself and gave myself a hearty thump on the back as congratulations.

The proposal: cucumber, cheese and tomato, and tuna mayonnaise (fuck the sausages) sandwiches to be distributed in the wider vicinity of the Santa factory as a sign of good cheer, good will, and Good Will Hunting.

Consequently, I’ve prepped my old cannon (still around from my early days in the 18th century) and will be loading the sandwiches into that and blasting them into the middle-distance – some of them will, probably, make it to some of the poverty stricken towns near me, where the working class scumbags can dine on fine cuisine. It’s with innovative new marketing strategies such as this that I intend the Santa programme to be back on track for a riveting Xmas run.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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