Last week we suggested you replace your door with the doorbull, a fabulous invention which has garnered us little custom thus far (you goddamn reprobates). Disappointed, but not disheartened, we’ve bounced back with the didgeridoor! This equally fabulous invention installs a door made from didgeridoos into your doorway, which creates all manner of relentless noise along the lines of those “oIIIiiii OiiiIIii” noises the instrument creates. How charming! How quaint!
For only £5,000, Professional Moron’s expert staff will turn up at your home with chainsaws, a pneumatic drill, hammers, nails, and a flamethrower in order to get your old door off and your new door on! What’s so special about the didgeridoor? Well, foolish reader, prepare to be amazed as you read on and learn more about this glorious creation.
Music is the music of life, as the old saying goes. Music can change your mood in an instant, energise you, make you happy, make you sad, make you a sod, and it now acts as a fantastic security element for your property in the form of a sturdy door! Not only will the didgeridoor keep criminals out of your home, prevent drafts, and look good, it’ll also blast out salubrious baritones of noise from the didgeridoos within.
It reacts to wind, gales, hurricanes etc. In other words, the wind whips through the door (yes, it’ll be very cold in your home from now on!), triggering the didgeridoos, which creates a whole heap of Australian type noises. Should you have any Aussie neighbours, be sure to welcome them over to enjoy the door. Stand staring at it with a can of Fosters apiece whilst exchanging a friendly “G’day, mate!” every 20 seconds. If you don’t know any Australians, Austrians will suffice. Should you not know any Australians or Austrians, may God have mercy on your soul.
Anyway, socialising isn’t the purpose of the didgeridoor, it’s to allow the owner to enjoy the mellifluous baritones of the guttural noises the thing makes. You’ll be the talk of the neighbourhood, as well as a public nuisance, as this thing blasts away relentlessly at any time of day. Better yet, fit our patented central hooting and you’ll be the most musical house in all of Tinseltown!
Naturally, due to the amount of noise this thing makes, insomnia will become a prevalent issue in your life. Whilst tossing and turning hopelessly in bed at 4am due to the relentless “ooiiIIiiiiIIii oiiIIIIIIIIIiii oooIIIIiiiii”s of the door and the “Hooot hoot… HOOOOOT HOOOOT!!!!” of the central hooting, you’ll curse the day you ever visited this moronic website!
However, with deals as fantastic as 2.33% off incrementally over 12 month with 7.56% VAT in accordance with when you buy both of them from us for £20,000, who could resist such a thing!? * You’ll also turn into the neighbour bore as you detail neighbours, in your fatigue-induced crazed state, about how amazing it was to spend so much money on something so detrimental to your health. Hurray!
I need a new front door – any chance I could get one in NZ? I’ve seen them played live a few times, performances appear to involve a lot of dribbling. The last one I saw was some guy playing one on Circular Quay in Sydney, with boom-box accompaniment (and dribbling). Didgeridoo karaoke…
Dribbling? Sounds like a great event! We do a lot of that here in England. I’m sure we can sort something out for you. Are you an A List celebrity in New Zealand? That’ll be 50% more, so we’re looking at about £50,000 for the lot here (see disclaimer). I’m sure you’ll find that perfectly acceptable.
I don’t think England has a national instrument… we’ve always produced very good drummers (Baker, Moon, Bonham, Reni etc.), but nothing specific.
Yes,yes, I remember the Hooting System! The didgeridoor is the perfect compliment. Now, if there was just a window treatment that fit in.
Oh, okay. That’s a challenge. I’ll think of something I can do with Windows, like fitting Microsoft Windows to your windows. That’d work. Indeed.