Sometimes things grow beyond your control – your toenails, your eyebrows, your nose hair, and also with relationships. What do you do when you outgrow your boyfriend or girlfriend? We were asked this today by a lady with a hippy name and decided to help her out. Here’s hoping our learned advice can help you along, too.

I’ve Outgrown My Boyfriend

Hello, Professional Moron. I'll get straight to it. I've outgrown my boyfriend. We've been together for, like, 10 years since we were 18 but now he just doesn't fit my requirements. It's a shame but I was wondering if this is decent grounds to end our relationship? Yours sincerely, Maggy

Hi there, Maggy. This is an unusual case, but one we’ve noted is on the increase. For a start, it’s unusual for a woman to be taller than a man, so we can understand your boyfriend’s consternation. Short man syndrome is a very real modern day issue and, should he be struggling with your newfound height, suggest he seeks counselling or take experimental hormones for a growth spurt of his own.

Additionally, you may be concerned your boyfriend is such a short arse. As we know, women tend to like their significant other to tower over themselves so the male can reach stuff on higher shelves when doing the weekly shop. However, you may also need to seek medical assistance in order to ensure your height is controlled. Men may not wish to date you at all should you reach a height of over eight feet.

Controlling Growth Spurts

There are experimental trials you can sign up to in order to control your continued growth spurts. This will help you avoid outgrowing your boyfriend in the future. We can recommend harsh chemicals such as ammonia or chemical grade bleach, or if you’re really eager then surgery will remove height from your body (the surgeon will remove the tibia and fibula so you are not as tall).

Ultimately, if this issue does end your relationship, be sure to only date really tall men in future such as basketball players. Additionally, hire a private detective to determine how much your significant other will shrink due to age. If these attempts fail, you could also force your boyfriend/husband to wear shoes with enlarged soles, or stilts in desperate cases, in order for him to artificially appear taller than you are.

How to Avoid Short Men

Finally, avoiding short men will be your priority from now on. To do this, you can rely on your senses – by simply looking at a man, you’ll be able to tell if he is shorter than you. If he is, regardless of personality, remove him from your life. He is worthless and only suitable for women who are shorter than he is.

Short men often congregate in certain areas (such as jockeys at a race course), so avoid these areas like the plague. Additionally, if you turn to online dating, be sure to indicate in your profile you wish your partner to be tall. If you think a potential online suitor is lying about his height, threaten to report him to the police. Best of luck, Maggy!