Exclusive Invention: The Cowch (like a couch, but for cows)

A cow

Cows spend a lot of time standing around in fields masticating on grass. It must get pretty tiring, so they have a bit of a lie down on the ground every now and then. Why so primitive? Surely, there’s a comfier solution for these gentle giants!? Well, Professional Moron to the rescue! We’ve invented the cowch, which is a couch for cows.

Up to four cows at a time can cosy on down onto a cowch – this spacious and comfortable seating product will be the talk of the cow community. With big old comfy cushions, and a structure able to withstand the weight of over a tonne, the cowch will be a comfy focal point for cows to sit down and have a bit of a natter about their day of chewing cud.


The cowch is made out of the finest grass and bits of mud money can buy. The seating products are constructed like deformed human couches, but extra massive to accommodate for several cows in need of some serious cowch time. Indeed, we tested the product illegally at a farm in Manchester and received several positive remoos (how cows review things) from the delighted cows.

Indeed, the remoos were so good we immediately broke into the farmer’s house to tell him! It was 1am and he was pretty angry about this – brandishing his shotgun in our faces and yelling about his 4am starts, we calmly informed him he now had an extra 3 hours of awake time to fit in his farming chores (muck spreading, chewing tobacco, scratching his hairy butt etc.).

We rushed back to the Professional Moron office and began constructing cowches out the back. Cows are now able to order them online from our website – Moo Cowch. Marketing communications shall commence immediately with a heartfelt YouTube ad you can’t skip starring Liz Hurley and Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s mooving stuff. When Big Arnie looks in the camera and says, “I would buy a cowch for my cow, if I had any cows. Maybe I’ll be back. With cows!” our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, bursts into tears every time.

Human Uses

If you have pet cows then, obviously, the cowch is an excellent product for them. However, you can use it in your home as a normal couch if you’re, for instance, particularly tall or morbidly obese. If you suffer from hayfever, however, this product is not for you, although you can also purchase black market antihistamines from us if you’re really set on the idea of owning a cowch.

They cost £1,000 each. We have an offer on at the moment, if you’re interested. Our ad campaign has the following catchy tagline: “Buy one cowch at full price and you can get another cowch at half the fiscal totality of a standard cowch, as indicated in our marketing materials”. Our apprentice suggested it should be snappier, but we just snapped his fingers and sent him off packing home early for the day. Stupid little runt, what does he know?!

If you ever get bored of your cowch, you can simply burn it to the ground (preferably in your back garden) as part of a bonfire celebration, or something. Remember, please vacate your seating position when the cowch begins to blaze, otherwise you may burn to death. Professional Moron will not be held responsible for any third-degree burns acquired from lazily refusing to budge from a burning cowch as, “Nah, I’m too comfy, mate”. That is out of our hands.


  1. I feel like running out and stealing a few cows, as I can’t afford any, especially after I order my cowch. Just wondering, as I like a “set” feeling to my decor, would there be a cowfee table to go with my cowch?

    Liked by 1 person

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