Agony Aunt: “HELP! My wife keeps asking if her ‘bum’ looks big”

Responding to a woman about if her bum looks big

Today’s human male faces the type of quandary even a university education can’t solve—the case of whether a butt is big or not.

Human females may ask this question in a way analogous to human male concerns over the size of their trouser department. Whether it is big or not… truly, humanity has important concerns close to its heart.

Luckily, we’re here to help today’s individual deal with butts, bums, and size.

To Butt, or Not to Butt; That is the Question

Hi agony aunt, I'm Richard. Everything is peachy in life, except I'm struggling to deal with my wife, Jane, and her questions regarding her arse. I appreciate this is a common issue many men face. But it's that one we all know: 

"Does my bum look big in this?"

Now, she's 38 and has been asking this more and more over the last year as she think she's gaining weight. I've come to dread this question so much I'm now actively avoiding my wife! Literally. She comes into a room, I scarper. I hear her approaching, I rush into the garden and hide in a hedge until she leaves the next morning for work.

Last night, though, she opened the bedroom window and called down, "Richard! Are you coming in or not!? I need you to pass verdict on whether my bum looks big in this new dress I bought!" I spent the rest of the night quaking in terror in that hedge. At one point some rats were crawling over me. Then a hedgehog arrived and sniffed at me, gave a disdainful look, and scuttled off. I now type this email at 8am, just after my wife has left for work. She'll be back. She's going to ask that accursed question again!

I spent most of the night thinking long and hard about how I can respond to her. Jane gets very tetchy if she thinks I'm suggesting her bum does look big in the, respective, clothing item of choice. I think I'll write a thesis about this most pressing of matters at a later date, but for now the best approach I've qualitatively and quantitively ascertained is to say:

- "No, your bum does not look big in that."

Or do you think that's a patronising mansplain? I don't think it is. But I tried that line last week and she said I was mansplaining to her. She also accuses me of manspreading, which I vehemently deny. 

I mean... a lot of the time her bum does look a bit big in "this".

But I fear if I say that to her I'll end up getting slapped. I really don't want to be slapped! I have a low pain threshold. Please help me in my hour of need. Yours, Richard

Hi Richard. And… oh… my… GOD! This is, of course, the most dreaded question any human male can face in his entire life.

There’s a postulation by Dr. Bernard Mendelssohn (the Albert Einstein of relationship advice) we can refer you to here. This is from his 1972 essay On the Nature of Big Buttocks and Questions Regarding the Aforementioned Big Buttocks:

“It is common for women to obtain self-conscious concerns regarding their backsides. Questions will, therefore, be asked regarding the aforementioned backsides, namely for the sake of assuaging these concerns through flattery—whether it is truthful or otherwise. Men may acknowledge the inquiry thus:

1) By ignoring the question.

2) By responding to the question.

Either choice will elicit a response from the woman in thine life. To wit; both choices are wrong and the lady in question will reach a peak of outrage.”

In other words, there is no possible way to respond to the question without fear of some sort of reprisal. As with all other men, Richard, you’ll just have to learn to live with it.

Yes, it’s a life of permanent terror.

But think on the positive side of things! Okay, there are no positive side of things. But at least she’s not put an axe into your skull yet! That’s a big plus, right?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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