Agony Aunt: “HELP! I think my girlfriend is pregnant!”

If any image depicts fatherhood correctly, it’s this one.

Today, we have a male human who has turned to us for assistance with a lady friend who appears to be with child. If she is without child, then she is not with child. However, it is apparent the male thinks she is, indeed, with child. So, as we’re so knowledgeable about all of this, we waded in to help this male person overcome his fears.


O...M... GGGG!!!!! i fink me bird iz preggers!!!!! wot do i do? kev

Hi there, Kevin! Judging by the number of exclamation marks you have there, it’s apparent you’re in some considerable distress about this development. Rest assured, many young human males can find themselves in this trap after, say, a drunken binge where he can’t in the slightest remember the night before.

If your “bird” is “preggers”, than have a heartfelt discussion about whether you think this is a good idea. Will you be able to financially support the child? Will it be born into a household of love? Would it grow up to inherit your appalling diction and grammar? Consider these things very carefully, Kevin, as the last thing the world needs is another stupid person.

Do ask yourself the big question, though: “Am I ready for fatherhood?” – in your language, that’d be “iz i are readi 4 shitfests” or some such. Whatever, we don’t speak modern nonsense, you wrap your head around it. We can suggest a positive outlook, though, so consider the following with a sense of general reverence.

Fatherhood or Robin Hood?

If you look at becoming a father in dubious ways, you may find it suits you perfectly well. For instance, think of yourself not as entering fatherhood, but ROBIN HOOD! How cool is that? Yeah, you can steal from the rich and give the likes of a Lamborghini to your baby. It won’t be able to drive it for a while, like at least a decade, but it’d definitely not depreciate in value. Or do cars depreciate? We forget. Whatever, it’d be a bitchin’ car to have around!

You could also dress up as Robin Hood and learn to fire a bow and arrow, which would be pretty neat. That’s a novel way of robbing a car, too, which is guaranteed to stop a rich car owner in their tracks. More used to folks with pump action shotguns, if you turn up in some tights and wielding an archaic weapon, you could steal an advantage over the other hoodlums of this world.


Ultimately, you must remember being a dad is much more than “just for Christmas”. The child won’t leave home until, like, 18 years of age, or something, so that’s a long time to have to put up with it. Additionally, you have the expense – kids want to buy lots of ice cream, for instance, and you’d have to get them things like a pet rabbit. No offence, but you come across as a halfwit who would struggle to hold down solid work – could you afford a rabbit?

Additionally, your “bird” would need vaccinating against bird flu, unless she is an actual human female. Yes, we’re just joking with that one, Kevin. We think we’ve successfully covered off every issue here, so best of luck with your dismal existence and general vacuity!


  1. The very idea that this “bird” has allowed herself to be in the company of, much less preggers, indicates that we have two morons procreating, and apparently only one is concerned (must give credit where it is due) since you have not heard from the bird. That in itself screams…well, it just screams. Thank you Aunt Agony for shedding light on the pro’s and con’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Too bad Kev didn’t write in sooner, like before …well … you know! I’m sure with the right advice from Agony Aunt, Kev would have pre smartened up, such as studying English grammar, reading about Robin Hood, and adopting the merry uniform at an earlier date. First off, his bird would have taken one look at his ridiculousness, and flown the coop. If that didn’t work out, the tights would be too, difficult to remove during drunken sex. Problem pre solved!

    Liked by 1 person

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