Exclusive Recipe: Flavourless Ice Cream!

Ice cream
“A bland, flavourless mess.” Anonymous food critic. It’s a triumph!

If ice cream is your thing, then you’re not in for a treat here! Our patented flavourless ice cream recipe is as bland and insipid as they come – and it’ll only cost you £5 ($10) a cone! Yes, sometimes in life you just need to hack out the luxuries and embrace spartan times. Thusly, you don’t get bang for your buck with our product. You get nothing but disappointment, resentment, and possibly even fury!

Of course, we’ve made ice cream recipes before (check out sardine ice cream) and so feel qualified to express our expertise on the matter. We’ve done this by creating another magnificently dreary product which you can enjoy staring at in contempt on a hot summer day in the not too distant future. Yes, it’s…

Flavourless Ice Cream

It’s really easy to make this stuff. You make ice cream in the normal way and then, of course, you need to strip out the flavour. The best way we found we could do this (and we did try really hard to find a sanitary approach, including using a vacuum cleaner to suck out the taste) was to rely on our good old friend chemical grade bleach.

Simply chuck a litre of that stuff into your delicious ice cream, leave it to stagnate overnight, and then you’re pretty much ready to roll with this stuff, yeah? Our tagline for the product is: “You like flavour? Well not anymore!”. It’ll be hitting the shops in about two months, so long as we can pass the current health and safety investigation by the UK’s Food Standards Agency.

It’s the usual drill. We’ve been here before. A hefty bribe and, if that fails to work, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, will flutter his eyelids at the inspectors as they turn up in their hazmat suits. A bit of flirting will get you far in the world of food. When you’ve inexplicably got hundreds of gallons of bleach on your premises, the old charm doesn’t go amiss.

Other Flavourless Foods

The logical conclusion, in anticipation of the success of our product, is to extend the flavourless range! We got to thinking about flavourless chocolate, sweets, fast food (indeed, we thought a fast food chain called KFlavourlessC would work really well), and other stuff like pizza.

Naturally, we’d need an enormous amount of bleach to achieve these dreams. Where there’s a will there’s a way, though, and we’ve already used our black market connections to stockpile several tonnes of the stuff from the village of Chipping Ongar just north of London. It’s being shipped up (by truck… so, trucked up) over the weekend.

The general idea of all this is to force people away from unhealthy products (like bleach) towards healthy stuff (such as stuff without bleach in it). So whilst you may have considered this a crazed endeavour, we’re actually doing something rather noble here – polluting you all until you give in and realise the carrot is mightier than the Big Mac.

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