Exclusive Recipe: Bleach on Toast (better than beans on toast)


Okay, we’re going to just go ahead and do the inevitable. After our bleach heavy flavourless ice cream recipe, we’ve jumped the shark and gone full bleach. Yes, bleach on toast is a sanitary recipe which is also guaranteed to leave you feeling a little bit ill after consuming it (as we can heartily testify). It just depends on the price you’re willing to pay for sparkling clean food – in this case it’s £15 ($20) a plate.

Combining the finest toast known to humanity alongside the purest bleach known to mankind, this is one recipe which is sure to strip the hair off your chest. It’s got a real (one might say bleachy) punch to it which we think is possibly borderline illegal. Thusly, this foodstuff comes with a severe health and safety warning. Rock and roll, right?!

Bleach on Toast

(NB: This is illegal and extremely dangerous, don’t even think about it, yeah?)

Hygiene is all important with food. Without hygiene, most people who eat at restaurants wouldn’t last more than 25 minutes after a particularly dodgy souffle. Indeed, which is why it is essential for all restaurants to maintain a clean working environment in order to keep vermin (such as poor people) away from the premises. You seriously don’t want your restaurant being considered a place for yobbos, yeah?

Thusly, harsh chemical bleach is the only product which is able to eradicate 101% of germs, microbes, and amoeba. This is why we recommend (which contravenes the UK’s Food Standards Agency advice… but what do they know?) you keep at least a three metric tonnes (about the same weight as a male elephant) on your premises at all times.

Naturally, you don’t need all of that bleach, so you can use any spare to make really tasty meals for your menu. The best one we came up with after a brainstorming session is hearty bleach on toast – it’s, like, a spin-off of student favourite beans on toast. It’s also much more pungent and dangerous!

Dedicated to Danger

If you like to take deranged risks with every decision you make, then bleach on toast may be for you! You simply cook some bread, add this to a bowl, and then tip on the bleach – please feel free to season with some salt and pepper, if the desire grabs you so, which may make the immediate desire to puke more bearable.

We’re not going to pretend bleach on toast tastes anything like good. It’s putrid to the extent putrescence allows. It is, however, a pretty effective (if thoroughly illegal) way for you to make sure your bleach goes a little bit further. Alternatively, you could just tip it down your sink, or something, but owning a restaurant is about budgeting your foodstuffs. What cleverer thing to do than fabricate some insane concoctions which could make your guests seriously ill?

If all this sounds too crazy, then maybe just stick to normal beans on toast, yeah? We mean, it’s like 10p for a no frills baked beans tin. Also, you could tip a load of bleach into the baked beans concoction whilst it’s cooking in the pan. Yeah? See, mischievous cooking brilliance from the folks at Professional Moron.

NB: Again, do not consume this recipe! It will do you no good! AT ALL! Thank you.


  1. Your extensive inovations department is brimming with lucrative ideas. Marketing could be improved by limiting some of the less than desired side effects like all the rest do. I’m sure for a few pounds tucked tidily into the UK’s Food Standards inspectors pocket he could look away, it works here. Beans on Bread, never heard of it. We are so backward over here.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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