The art of writing a passive aggressive threatening letter may well be disappearing in an age where a half-naked selfie speaks more volumes than a website called Professional Moron. Dammit, though, we’re here to keep the spirit of this thing alive!

Nothing beats good old fashioned words on paper, in an envelope, through someone’s letterbox so they can behold the verbal assault in all its glory. As such, today we’re here with a few handy hints on how to construct an equivocally violent message. Or, you know, to terrify the living bejeezus out of someone who is annoying you. Indeed.

Noisy Neighbours

Figuring out how to deal with difficult neighbours can be as difficult as the difficult neighbours themselves. If you don’t like confrontation, then a strongly worded, but polite, letter is a great way to try to get them to shut up. However, if this fails then you can try the second example. It’s a bit more full on.

Example #1

Dear neighbour - You putrid individual of putrescence! There I was at 11 pm about to fall asleep listening to my relaxing whale music, when you and your "buddies" arrived home very clearly inebriated. Whilst bellowing "The referee's a wanker!" going along the communal corridor, you then went into your flat and proceeded to blast dance music at antisocial volumes until 5 am! This was interspersed with more bellowed reflections of the aforementioned referee and his substandard performance as a human being.  

I will inform you of this right now - this will not stand! Now, I am no fuddy duddy (I once drank a bottle of red wine in an hour!), but if you repeat the aforementioned activities you will be reported to the local authority due to contravention of the Noise Act 1996. I know you may have just fouled your trousers with effluence at this news, but I will only persist with this action should you persist with your intoxicated endeavours. 

Regards,

[Insert name here]

Example #2

****er. There's a reason there's horse **** smeared all over your door this morning. The next time you keep me awake all night, there'll be HUMAN **** all over it. If you're still not getting the message after that, then your door's coming down, bro, with a chainsaw and I'll dump a week's work of my **** all over you! CAPEESH?! Yours with fond regards, [insert name here]

A Difficult Colleague

If your co-worker makes you want to strangle him/her, then before you engage in this activity you should at least, perhaps, attempt to ease your relationship with a carefully worded email. Now, we did bang on about how letters are the way forward but… emails are also the way forward, so let’s not forget their power.

Dear Henry,

I know we've had our differences lately, but everybody in the department is complaining about our incessant screaming matches from across the office. I know I said some bad things yesterday, including "You can go **** yourself you ***ing **** **** piece of ****ed up ****!", but it was the heat of the moment and I was upset you'd chewed through an entire packet of spearmint bubblegum and dropped the gum in my freshly made brew. 

I think we need to have a peace-talk in order to reconvene our thought patterns with an ideation session. As such, I suggest we have a meeting at 3pm in order to ideate (i.e. "brainstorm" - I know you have difficulties with "big" words) ourselves out of this most pernicious situation. Please confirm this meeting, otherwise I will have to report you to the HR department for spilling my brew, which caused a splash of water to hit my right eye, and trigger off a bout of conjunctivitis. I trust I have your cooperation on this matter. 

Regards,

[Insert name here]

Outraged Consumer

Sometimes you’re a frustrated consumer. As we all know, “the customer is always right” is utter garbage and a hideously anachronistic adage, but this doesn’t mean you should not bother having a go at the troublesome company on social media anyway!

Hi. Today I bought a bucket of your reconstituted lard for 50p a bucket, but the bucket had a hole in it and I lost most of the lard. This is an outrage! I had to waddle my lardy arse back down the road to try and find it all and ended up in FLOODS of tears because I stubbed my toe and a fly grazed my head. I demand COMPENSATION right NOW! Regards, [insert name here]

Do note, many modern businesses can be much more combative these days and refuse to refund you the, as in the above example, 25p or so. However, social media is your friend – post a picture of your fly-grazed head online tagging in the company’s handle, and disgrace them publically so they give you your money back, plus provide you with a complimentary packet of crisps (salt and vinegar).

Conclusion

Essentially, the art of writing a threatening letter is to be polite and accommodating in your initial message/few paragraphs, but then ramp up the vitriol and profanity where necessary. Lastly, if you feel it’s required, threaten grievous bodily harm (but ensure you don’t include your name at the end, in order to mask your identity – violence is usually illegal). Do note – if any of these activities result in jail time, Professional Moron waives all responsibility.