Dating can be tricky when you’re younger, especially if you’re a woman (we know best, as we’re moronic men). Should you go for the dudes your age who are annoying, poor, and annoyingly poor? Or should you go for the wrinkly old dudes who have become wastrels through wastefulness (i.e. they’re too rich)? Such a tough decision is what one young lady has to make today. Thankfully, we’re here to help!

Sugar, ah Honey Honey

HI GUYS!! I'm Kylie and I'm 20 and "well fit!" as a load of guys have told me LOL! This dead old bloke of, like, 91 came up to me recently though and proposed by marriage!!! He said he wants me to MOVE IN with him by his MANSION by the SEA!!!! He's WELL ugly and WELL old though!! Not sure what to do. Wanted to study to be a nail therapist! My friends said that he's a "sugar daddy" and I was like... OMG, WTF is that?! So... what is it?!?! THANKS! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, Kylie. A sugar daddy is a rich older man who, due to old age, has to eat vast amounts of sugar in order to maintain some semblance of energy levels. Consequently, he is part man, part sugared-up deformity. By the sounds of it, he’s also trying to woo an attractive young female to hang around with him in order to satisfy whatever dwindling urges remain in his senile old brain. If we were you, which we’re not, we’d recommend one of the following:

• Marry him in order to obtain his wealth
• Marry him in order to obtain his denture collection (that’ll come in handy 60 years down the line for you – this may be a part of #1, depending on his will)
• Marry him as you’ve fallen madly in love with him (admittedly, this doesn’t appear to be the case, judging from your message)
• Find someone else to marry

If sugar isn’t your thing, incidentally, then you can turn to other forms of crystalline substance daddies for varying life opportunities. These include, but are not limited to: wealth, stealth, health, the British commonwealth, and mental health. Please read on for further information.

Dating Crystalline Substance Variants

There are various types of “older gentleman perusing younger ladies” and it’s up to you to decide whether this is disgusting or not. Pay heed to the list below, and the list in the paragraph above this one, to gain a thorough understanding into the world of older men who’ve gone a bit weird.

• Salt Daddy: Like a sugar daddy, but prefers adding salt into everything. Will add salt to his tea, cornflakes, hot chocolate, water, champagne etc. Generally walks about with an intense grimace on his face due to constantly being on the verge of a salt overdose.
• Snowflake Daddy: This individual will only date snowflakes, but will also make a pass at snow if it’s the right type of the stuff. This type of individual is best avoided as he is, almost certainly, clinically insane.
• Diamond Daddy: Loves diamonds and is, indeed, a “diamond geezer”. You’ll only be able to attract this type of older man if you have access to diamonds. If you do have these, then you will be able to land a date. Other expensive items, such as gold necklaces, will not suffice. Diamonds are a diamond daddy’s best friend.

There we have it! Generally, Kylie, on the logical side of things we’d suggest you decline the older man’s request. Instead, focus on your “nail therapy” stuff and actually finding someone you get on with who is also vaguely close to your age. We recommend someone called Kyle, so you’d then be Kyle and Kylie, or Kylie and Kyle, so you can then change your surname to Kylieson (or Kyleson). Best… forename and surname… ever. Good luck!