Exclusive Invention: The Mushbroom (a mushroom sweep)

Perfect for sweeping up stray bits of wheatgerm.

Inspired by this post about growing organic mushrooms by one of our worst enemies, we decided it was about time for the vegetable to invade the home (other than just in the kitchen) in more ways than one. Mushrooms are perfect for consuming in soups, raw with some houmous, or worn as a type of hat. They’d also make for great cleaning utensils as, let’s face it, what the world needs is more mushrooms.

Brooms are typically thought of as implements for witches and wizards to use. However, they can also be used to sweep your pantry floor, or to hit your layabout husband over the head. With our latest invention, the mushbroom, you can go one step further than that – you can do the cleaning and then use your broom to spice up the mushroom soup you’ve concocted with extra bits of dust and grit. Yeah!

The Mushbroom

Simply put, this product is a broom made out of mushrooms. The bristles at the end of the broom are made out of bits of bristle. Roughly 1,000 button mushrooms go into making the product – they are welded in place by our talented team of amateur welders at the Professional Moron office. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, inspects each mushroom individually to ensure they meet our high quality standards.

Any mushbrooms that fail this test are destroyed. They are frogmarched into the back yard and gunned down by shotgun, before being left to fester in the baking sun. Later, the Professional Moron apprentice heads out to collect the partially sun-roasted mushrooms to add to a delicious soup (replete with shotgun shell debris). We then consume the soup.

The ones that do pass our mushbroom quality expectations are ready for customer purchase at £50 a mushbroom (we’re only currently shipping within Greater Manchester – tough luck, elsewhere). The product is then delivered by hand – Mr. Wapojif drives directly to your business or home to hand over the product. He does this: “To ensure our integrity, but also to size up their property for future burglaries I have planned”.

The mushbroom is a sturdy broom that can be used to brush away bits of grit, mud, and dust that accumulate. It can also be used in the workplace to oust any furtive witches amongst your ranks, as they will be unable to resist the temptation to leap onto it and soar about the place whilst cackling. If you believe your business has a witch infestation, then this product is ideal for you.

A Note For Witches

Any registered witches reading this blog may want to take note of the following: the mushbroom is not suitable for your nefarious ways. The mushbroom has been designed to flush you out of the corporate system to ensure work-based activities for ordinary employees don’t lead to arbitrary puffs of smoke, transformations into unspeakable beings, or diabolical curses being instigated upon hard working individuals.

The product is, however, available for puchase with a 10% discount to qualified witches. Please provide proof of your right to witch upon delivery – ID such as a random eyeball that’s turned green, some talking frogs, or the ability to recite “hocus pocus” rhymes verbatim will suffice. In turn, you will find the mushbroom to be ideal as a riding implement, as well as doubling up as a fine ingredient for any hazardous broths you’re concocting for the downfall of humankind. Please keep the broom away from those known as Macbeth.


  1. Round about the Mushbroom soup go
    In the poisoned mushrooms throw,
    Toad swept under cold stone
    Days and night has 31
    Sweltere’d mushroom sweeping got
    Boil thou first i the mushroom soup pot!

    Works perfect!

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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