There comes a time in many a man’s life when pawn plays a part. Maybe you’ve got an old watch you want to get rid of, or some trousers you’re embarrassed by, so pawning is the logical answer. Down to the pawn shop you go and, by heck, you’ve got hard cash for some of the arbitrary products you’ve sold off. Bonus! But what happens when this becomes an addiction?
PROFESSIONAL MORON! Help! My goddamn SOB HUSBAND keeps SELLING our STUFF in PAWN SHOPS! WTF!? All our NICE THINGS keep DISAPPEARING like our REFRIGERATOR! It's gone! He took it down to the PAWN SHOP and sold it for only £30! WTF!? I had to buy a NEW ONE for £500 and GUESS WHAT!? The next day... THE NEXT DAY he went DOWN to the PAWN SHOP again and SOLD our NEW refrigerator for £50! WTF?! There's barely any stuff in our HOUSE! WTF?! HELP!!! Mary
Mary, can you please calm down before sending us any further correspondence? Our inbox is plagued like a rash by your endless, sporadically capitalised emails. We run this agony aunt column as free feedback for our readers – do not abuse the system!
To get you to shut up, though, we’ve bumped you up the queue over our other contestants. Count yourself lucky and let’s get to it! Pawn shops – we used to run one, actually, but it went bankrupt as we got confused between the pawn chess pieces and what pawn shops are really for. Due to the lack of chess enthusiasm in our area, we shut down big time. Harrumph!
Abstaining From Addiction
Enough of our woes! Your husband clearly has an addiction. How do you stop his addiction? Get him onto a different addiction, one that’ll block his other addiction! We can recommend a batch of class A narcotics for this purpose, or you can get him onto other substances such as fags and beer. Before long he’ll be too bloated and lethargic to give a damn about hawking your sofa for some spare cash.
Do be warned, however, that this will have an adverse affect on his health. The more beer he downs, the less of a man he will become. He’ll resemble more blob than man. He will be… blob man. It depends on whether you value your material goods over your husband. But, let’s face it, a HD widescreen TV is more desirable than your average man anyway, are we right!?
Your husband can take a lesson here from Greek philosopher, and tramp, Diogenes. This chap helped found the Cynic philosophy after successful Kickstarter and social media campaigns circa 400 BC. The idea here is to live in virtue as one with nature, free from materialism. Thusly, Diogenes gave up all his earthly belongings (including several nice hats) to go and sleep in a giant ceramic jar shaped like a barrel. He also begged for a living.
It is our learned opinion your husband would benefit from this enormously. Consequently, we believe you should turf him out of your home for a few months and tell him to mope about town asking randoms for spare change. Tell him: “Only come back when you’ve grown a hairy back.” That’ll get him to man up, stop hawking wares, and earn an honest living.