Business makes the world tick round. In the past, it was conquest, war, and whomever had the biggest battle beards (Genghis Khan etc.) – but when you have trillion dollar businesses like Apple, you have other people (some of whom have Hipster beards) who also want trillion dollar businesses, beards, and a $450 million yacht. Here’s how you can achieve all that.
What is business?
This is where you start a service that is required by humanity. Common businesses include the likes of cake, coats, and mouthwash. If, for instance, you believe there’s a gap in the market for coats made of cake (with a complimentary bottle of mouthwash for every purchase), then you can register your business, name it Coat Cakes Ltd., and sell your product to the masses.
I want to start a business (but not that stupid Coat Cakes thing), what do I need to remember?
Running a business is hard work, unless you hire a load of employees to exploit through minimum wage and zero hour contracts. Then it’s easy. But first you have to work hard to get to that easy bit later on. The tips to a successful business model:
- Money: To get your business started, you’ll need at least 50p in savings (that’s $1 to you Americans), but higher amounts are recommended
- Overhead: You’ll need at least one overhead projector for upcoming business meetings.
- Register your business: Unfortunately, you can’t trade illegally. You need to pay your taxes (unless you’re Apple, Google, Facebook etc.). With a grimace upon your face, register your business
- Staff: You’ll need to hire people. Some of them may be unreliable. So you’ll need to fire people, too. Just remember this business adage for dealing with your pathetic subservients: “If in doubt, just shout!”
- Get a lawyer: Explosions are commonplace at most workplaces, so one of these will come in handy for explaining collateral damage
- Get some great toilets: It’s your business, you’ve been miffed by the low standard of toilets at everywhere else you’ve worked, so get some great toilets for your office – you deserve it! Really nice ones with fluffy toilet seats and thick walls so no one can hear your antics
- Establish your dress code: We recommend a smart/casual policy that also dictates all men must wear hot pants only on Fridays. Why not?
When will I be a billionaire already?!?!
When you sell a billion of your products.
How do I hire somebody?
Recruitment can be hard work. First off, you have to dismiss a load of incompetent societal rejects who are trying it on with you. Then you’ll face the decent candidates, whittle it down to two or three you either fancy or consider competent enough to work for you, then hire them. It’s as simple as that, except it drags on for many weeks and drains your time, energy, and desire to live.
How do I fire somebody?
This is the best bit about owning a business. Say your new starter, Freda (all names have been changed to protect their identity) in admin, dropped your stapler on the floor and it snapped in two. She broke company property! Such a reckless streak of impertinence won’t stand!
Get her into your office (make sure all your other employees see, too) and start shrieking hysterically at Freda. Ensure she bursts into tears. If she doesn’t, kick her shins until she does. This will set a perfect example to other subservients.
What happens if my business catches fire?
Put it out again – water should do the trick.
Going back to the toilet thing… Do I have to have toilets at my business?
Really? I just think it’s something employees should sort out themselves. You know, like bring a bucket in.
Due to employment law, and health and safety standards, this would be classed as unsanitary.
Yes, but I even thought of a name for it – “The Business Bucket”. How perfect is that?
Yes, it’s absolutely ideal, but in court you’re just going to be made out as some sort of creep.
Okay, so what about one portable toilet in the office? Everyone has to use it, everyone can hear what everyone is up to inside, thus we have business transparency.
That’s a slightly skewed consideration on ethical leadership.
No, we mean you’ve got to get some proper toilets. Ones with doors on the front and everything – all the trimmings etc.
Grief… employees are a nightmare. Should I just go freelance?
The choice is yours but, again, you’ll need to consider your toilet arrangement. You can’t keep a bucket by your desk, you know.
It’s a wonder they didn’t call it buisness instead of business.
Indeed. Did you also know a group of ferrets is called a business?
Can I hire them?
Possibly, but you’d just have the same toiletry issues.