What self-respecting adult or child doesn’t love their toilet? Indeed, this functional device is essential to our daily lives. So we’ve created a new range of toys to celebrate the humble toilet! Indeed, we’ve launched an action figure range named the toylet. This toy lets you live out your wildest toilet-based fantasies, all from the comfort of your own home (or toilet)!

Made from genuine plastic, just because we want to maliciously add to the world’s contamination problems with zero accountability, the toylet is a little toy toilet with some added oomph. Yes, it’s a smart toilet with a few crazy gimmicks, as well as a range of features that’ll make even the most overly serious individual go: “OMG, that is belting!” Indeed.

The Toylet

The toylet is an action figure designed to be everything a toilet enthusiast could want. It’s multi-faceted and can function as a toy and a toilet. Although if you do plump for the latter, do remember to clean your toylet regularly with toilet cleaner and chemical grade bleach. Here are some of the features of the toylet you can enjoy (so long as you keep it clean!):

• Real-time action flush: Pull that flush button and watch the toylet flush! How do they do it?! It’s magic, we swear.
• iBogRoll: Smart bog roll especially constructed to determine if you run out of bog roll. When you’re down to your last few sheets, it’ll loudly announce: “YOU ARE ALMOST OUT OF BOG ROLL!” This may prove handy for you (i.e. if you don’t want to run out of bog roll).
• Clog mode: Someone’s landed a stonker! The toylet is clogged and overflowing, so you’ll need to get yourself a plunger (sold separately) and bravely tackle that mother single-handedly!
• Plunger selfie stick: We’ve invented a plunger that’s also a selfie stick! Yes, keep that toylet functioning properly, then snap a mega picture of you grinning away next to your toylet.
• Wheels: The toylet has little wheels on its base, so you can drive it around with your hand pretending it’s a car! If you so wish.
• Fully non-recyclable: So you’ve accidentally trodden on your toylet and it’s broken? No, you can’t get a refund. No, you’re not going to be able to recycle it either! We use that weird plastic that you can’t chuck in the right recycling bin. Haha! Sorry!

Priced at £50 ($700.01 – Americans, sorry for the price hike. There’s no real reason behind it, except for you’re richer than everywhere else so can afford it), this is a steal! You’ll be the talk of the playground, office, or prison cell when you’ve got this product in your ownership. So why delay?! Get yourself a toylet and **** yourself with excitement as it arrives in the mail!

Customer Review

To show off how amazing this toy is, we got a customer review! A glowing one! Our first ever positive review! Normally we just get a load of invective and threats of lawsuits but, as you’re about to read, this gentleman clearly thinks the world of us. No, no, no! Thank you, Mr. Egor Christorozhdestvenskaya.

"Product is of much excellence! Big grin on faeces. Sensation! I buy product with rubles. Did not steal. Such is excellent of product. Toylet arrive three week later. Sensation! It have pried off place on mental piece in living room. Wife very proud of husband for excellence of purchase. She have big grin. But smash toylet in vodka induced rage three day later. I order new toylet. Sensation! It arrive two week later! Wife smash this one, so I smash are real toilet in vodka induced rage. Then we get new toylet and we is using toylet as are real toilet now. Regard, Mr. Egor Christorozhdestvenskaya"