Great TV Shows That Never Were: Blind Drunk Date

Beer
“The date went really well, until he puked everywhere and we had to call an ambulance to have his stomach pumped. I’m never dating a lightweight again.”

In the UK, Blind Date was a twee TV show hosted by Cilla Black. It featured a bunch of contestants talking about themselves, with another contestant sitting off-camera (unable to see the others). Of course, this could lead to a situation where a, seemingly, hunky opportunity turns out to be a 5 foot guy with severe acne problems and a gut the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mighty man muscles.

It’s sad such a TV show is no more. This is why we’ve created Blind Drunk Date, which features a bunch of people getting drunk and dating. Hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s a progressive show that’ll push the boundaries of drunken stupidity on television. But the nature of the show is pure – we just want people to meet, fall over, puke, and then fall in love. Very sweet of us, right?

Blind Drunk Date

The setup is so simple even a drunk could get their head around it. The show is split in two halves – one for the women, and one for the men. In each section, there’s a woman/man who comes on (blind drunk) and has an open discussion with 12 men/women (also blind drunk) and then drunkenly decides who to go on another drunk date with.

During this time, Arnold Schwarzenegger will host with cool aplomb. He’ll quip witty one liners such as “I’ll be back, after an alcohol-induced lavatory trip”, “I’m pissed, baby”, and “Bleeuuurrghhhhh!” He’ll also double up as a bouncer – if any of the drunken contestants start getting rowdy, he can terminate them (i.e. hoist them off the set – guns are prohibited on our show).

The other part of the show is when the two lovebirds head off on a date somewhere. Typically, this will involve a day out somewhere – the film crew will follow their drunken antics to see if they get involved in any bitch fights, or something. This is all very tastefully done, of course, it’ll feature a classical music soundtrack and regular public safety announcements regarding the dangers of binge drinking.

The show is then wrapped up by stomach pumping any of the contestants who look like they’re suffering alcohol poisoning. The next day, the contestants are forced (with a hangover) to relive the episode and watch what they got up to – this is the best bit, as they’ll have forgotten everything and seeing them cringe in horror is hilarious.

Punch-Drunk Love

With the potential for romance, vomit, and violence, Blind Drunk Date would feature many fantastic moments. We’ve compiled, through our time machine, the best incidents that will happen if we receive the funding from TV execs. If they don’t… well, these memories will never happen. Let’s make it not, not happen!

  • Goldfish memory Gary has consumed a pint of gin and is struggling to formulate sentences. The ladies all think this is hilarious, but Gary’s wounded macho pride leads to a psychotic outburst of rage. Unfortunately, he’s too drunk to manifest his in a coherent manner, so he just pukes on himself and passes out. What a catch.
  • Beautiful Barbara is known for her beauty. After two bottles of champagne, though, she’s in hysterics and throwing a punch at any man who comes near her. “I’d still do that!” remarks beefcake Mike, who spends 37 hours a week in the gym. “Wahey!” roar the other lads. “Shut **** up, you **** man!” screams Barbara. Nice rebuttal.
  • Simon has drunk 20 pints of beer and is struggling to hold it all in. He’s also on a hot date with hot stuff Cindy – they’re having a romantic meal at McDonald’s. Unfortunately, the sight of her stuffing a burger into her face tips everything over and, before you know it, the “restaurant” has to shut early for the evening to clear up a tsunami of sick.
  • Mary fancies the pants off Mike. He’s so buff! It’s a shame he’s drooling slightly. She’s pretty sure he’s wet himself, too. Plus his conversation only consists of: “**** are you lookin’ at? You startin’? YOU ****IN’ STARTIN’, MATE?!”. But what the Hell, she’s had a pint of Lambrini and thinks this one will work out! Plucking up the courage, she picks him for a date. Outraged due to drunken confusion, Mike takes a swing at her with his mighty man fist, misses, and wallops Schwarzenegger. Mike is never heard from ever again.

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