Exclusive Recipe: Wry Bread (for sardonic bread lovers)

Rye bread
But is it wry enough?

Okay, so we love rye bread. We eat it once a week. We love it so much, we’ve decided to open a bread shop. This is called the Wry Bread Shop. “Er… you just did a typo in your shop name, you cretins!” you comment. No. Wrong. For, you see, our rye bread is made through only the finest wry ingredients available – namely, a qualified sardonicism specialist with an MA in Being Sardonic. The result? The world’s most wry of all breads.

Wry Bread

You can make your own rye bread, of course. Just follow the above video to do so. Or, you know, you can attend our bakery – it’s located in Levenshulme of Manchester. It’s the one with all the bullet holes, gob, crass graffiti, and unemployable chavs loitering around outside. To make it more welcoming (and to hide some of the graffiti penises scrawled on the door frame), we’ve painted the shop door pink.

If you’re able to battle your way through the highly abusive chavs, then inside our beautiful shop you’ll find an array of intensely sardonic shop assistants just waiting to not take your order. Ask them for assistance and they’ll either openly jeer at you (“Can’t you bloody do it yourself, you loser?” etc.) or just stare at you in disdain. Wry Bread tip: if you tip the shop assistant heartily, they may prove more useful.

You’ll also find an assortment of wry breads, made from the world’s most wry baker – each loaf is created in a half-arsed manner. But if you have an issue with this, our baker will come out of his closet to personally pour mockery, scorn, and invective upon you. Such as: “Oh, so you think you can do a better job can you?!” etc. If you’re really lucky, he’ll also throw some organic rye flour in your face (don’t worry, you’ll only be temporarily blinded).

Once you’ve decided to make your purchase, you can head to the counter to deal with our trenchant till person. This employee will mercilessly deride your purchasing decision, no matter what it is, and will make it blatantly clear you’re a disgusting waste of space who’s never welcome back in our store again. As you leave, usually in floods of tears, the chavs outside the shop will mug you and steal your loaf. Oh… bad luck! You’re not allowed back in again. No, we’re not calling for an ambulance. Get off our property!

Sarcastic Slices

The bread is of the highest of standards and, of course, you may taste test some whilst you’re in the Wry Bread shop. Our sarcastic slices range are free to consume, but staff members will make sarcastic comments as you masticate. Comments will include:

  • “Nice chewing… are you always this disgusting, you bastard?”
  • “Wow, you’re getting crumbs everywhere. No, that’s okay, we do allow slobbering imbeciles who can’t eat into the store… sometimes.”
  • “This rye bread is only for superior people. We’ll allow you a sample on this rare occasion. Actually, no we won’t. You’re subhuman scum. Away with you!”
  • “These are free, yes, we love our customers to try our specialist range. Oh, except for you. You’re wearing skinny jeans. That’s £10 a slice upfront, thanks.”
  • And finally: “Did you learn to eat from a person with no teeth, you pathetic wastrel!?”

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