Breaking News: Britain enjoys national crisis (again) as Brexit hits the fan (again)

EU
Kill!

Great Britain could face a name change in 2019 to Shit Britain, following nine years of chaos under the Tory government. Its disastrous mismanagement of Brexit negotiations with the EU led to total mayhem (again) yesterday. With Prime Minister Theresa May facing a vote of no confidence from her political party, she battled her way through by promising to quit post-Brexit.

With the possibility of another recession in March 2019 growing daily, the casual malice between Leave and Remain voters, the left and right, looks set to enter an all-out battle for the nation. For the victors? A disaster zone of a country with a crumbling infrastructure following a decade of crippling budget cuts!

EU Negotiations: Suggestions

With our great nation in peril, Professional Moron has stepped in to offer advice to the Tories. With our learned understanding of disorganisation and a total disregard for public safety, we’re a great match! Our suggestions for the Tory’s EU negotiating staff includes:

  • Introduce ewes to the houses of parliament to set the tone (i.e. shit everywhere and lots of mindless braying).
  • Grow a yew tree outside the Houses of Parliament.
  • Get U2 to perform in concert – have Bono strip naked and pelt EU executives with potatoes.
  • Scream “choo-choo” whenever anyone dares disgrace this great nation by uttering the acronym “EU”.
  • Lift the ban on guns and celebrate with a day of firing the aforementioned unbanned guns wildly into the air whilst bellowing, “Jolly good show, old bean!”
  • Introduce a law banning the use of “EU” or “European Union” in public – anyone found guilty of breaching these regulations is exiled. They must swim the channel to France in only their speedos and start their life anew. This law will take effect after the introduction of the Swimming Half-Naked Across The Channel Due To Sedition Act 2018.
  • Build a giant bamboo structure in London saying “EU” – bamboo. Yeah? Get it? Then hand flamethrowers to far-right lunatics to slake their bloodthirsty desire to burn stuff, which masquerades as a nationalistic desire to keep foreigners out of the country.
  • Change the national anthem to Leave Means Leave and have this sung by a bald-headed, sunburnt, obese far-right lunatic in an England football team t-shirt. Anyone who doesn’t weep upon hearing this is shot dead.
  • Establish the Excessively Emotional & Mindless Nationalistic Pride Act 2018 to force all citizens to weep in joy daily in the name of post-Brexit excellence. Anyone who doesn’t cry gets shot dead.
  • Establish the Deprogramming of Collective EU Goals Act 2018. Force all Remain voters into camps and have them listen to Leave Means Leave 24/7 until they’re either dead or ready to die for the nation.
  • Leave the EU. If necessary, use a bucket and spade to dig our way out.
  • Take a look at the Leave voters and check they’re not broken. They’ve spent the last two and a half years repeating “leave means leave” and “it’s the will of the people” with little variation. What’s happened to them? Can they function in normal daily life or do they repeat those phrases relentlessly day in, day out?

Addendum: Bring Back Hanging

As we’ve spent a lot of time over the years observing right-wingers commenting across online news items, it’s clear many of them wish to “bring back hanging”.

To facilitate a desire that lowers society to the level of barbarism, we’ve drawn up the below Bring Back Hanging Act 2018 to get the noose dropping. Yeah? Please note the motion towards bringing this back (for hanging purposes). Ayes to the right, noes to the middle-distance.

The Bring Back Hanging Act 2018 - Notes & Minutes Following the House of Commons Debate with Professional Moron's esteemed editor (and halfwit) Mr. Wapojif - legendary campaigner for bringing back hanging.

The three stipulations are:

  1. Bring back hanging.
  2. Hang stuff (i.e. petty criminals, exhume the corpses of dead criminals who should have been hanged and hang them etc.)
  3. Revel in the return of the Middle Ages.

A simple three-step plan. However, the House of Commons noted it may be a breach of the Human Rights Act. To which Mr. Wapojif responded, “Indeed, acting is a human right” and couldn’t understand what it had to do with bringing back hanging. The Speaker looked astonished and agreed heartily with Professional Moron.

The Bring Back Hanging Act 2018 was then unanimously dismissed from parliament on a vote of 421 to 1. And Mr. Wapojif accidentally voted against himself, but that still would have only made it 420 to 2. So, still a loss. Bloody… loony lefty, PC, nanny state etc.

14 comments

  1. Here in New Zealand there is one thing we don’t understand. Why have not all parties been pounding on your door, begging you to take over as PM? I’m sure a referendum would give you a 51.89% approval, which is plenty for a major constitutional change.

    Liked by 1 person

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