Right, so you’ve probably noticed it’s Christmas. You’ve also probably noticed Christmas Day is over for another year. Whilst you slept in your bin bag, one jolly fat man was delivering your presents! Here’s how it went down in 2018 in this revelatory post-mortem report from Santa Claus (with contributions from head elf Markus).
It started off as a good idea – everyone gets a free shotgun. That was Santa’s gimmick for the year. Well, everyone’s so on edge these days! What’s wrong with dishing out implements of self-defence?! My only wavering concern was whether to throw in a free bazooka with that.
The first house I visited this year, home to Mr. And Mrs. Smith in Bolton of Greater Manchester, I placed the shotgun on their kitchen work surface.
Well, what do I read in the Bolton Evening News this morning? Bloodbath! In a moment lacking clarity, Mr. Smith gunned his legs off in a failed attempt at a benefits scam. The problem is he told the ambulance crew that it was his idea to get some time off work, but the nurse trying to stop blood spurting everywhere snitched to the pigs. I admire Mr. Smith’s attempt and sent him a complimentary bazooka to cheer him up (once he’s out of jail, he can use it to rob a bank, or something).
So the best shotgun plans often unload in the wrong way. Because at the second house in Bolton, I left the shotgun on the sofa. Turns out the bachelor who lives there, Kev, sat on it hungover in the morning and it’s now stuck up his arse.
The doctors think the best way to get it out is to fire it, then filter the weapon through the hole this creates in Kev’s torso. The problem? The guy isn’t likely to survive the shot. Feeble bloody Northerners.
Anyway, I’m hungover and drifting in and out of consciousness in bed. A brandy tipple has stablished my head and I can write this even though me and the reindeer celebrated our successful present delivering jaunt around the world with a colossal piss up.
Today, reading the press reports of my Christmas Day performance, all the hacks are focussing on the many, many, MANY instances of carnage induced by my free shotgun policy. Here’s a list of some of the other incidents:
- “Barmy Bill” from Burnley decided to go to the local shop for a loaf of bread, gunned his way in, gunned down the fizzy drinks aisle, and got his white loaf. He then accidentally shot his left foot off and attempted to staunch the flow of blood with the loaf. He later told the paramedics, “I soon realised the bread was inadequate in controlling the hemorrhaging, so I called for the emergency services. I did this by shooting the phone on the store’s counter. This roused the attention of some bloke walking his dog nearby, who called the cops. The cops arrived with their free shotguns and we had a shotgun off, where I was shooting at them, they were shooting at me, and it was all pretty chaotic. Anyway, when I passed out from blood loss they rushed in and called an ambulance. I owe them my life, those filthy goddamn pigs.”
- Patricia from Preston believes her shotgun to be a new type of ladle and uses it to stir her broths and soups.
- Barry from Bournemouth decided to use his free shotgun to settle rent arrear issues with his landlord. Of course, Barry failed to realise his landlord also received a free shotgun. Both tenant and landlord are now dead (due to shotgun inflicted wounds).
- Egor from Essex thought the free shotgun to be some form of colonic irrigation device and had to attend hospital to have the gun removed from his rectum.
- The Johnsons, a family of 17 who live off benefits in Surrey, got a free shotgun each. They decided to storm the local convenience store for sweets. Shop assistant Mary, 17, said, “I took one look at them all bellowing and unloading their weapons into the air and I decided to leg it and let them enjoy their Haribo. I wasn’t ready to lay my life on the line in the name of sugar.”
- Billy Jnr., a five-year old from Kent, has named his free shotgun Bob and claims it’s his new best friend. His concerned parents, Mildred and Billy Snr., said, “Billy Jnr. plans to marry Bob when he turns 18. We’re not homophobic or anything, but that’s just wrong.”
Right, so you get the gist. I mean it’s the season of goodwill and nice gestures, how in the name of **** was I to know everyone would lose their shit over a free gun?!
This is ludicrous! So I commissioned my head elf, Markus, to commission a report for the press and world’s governments. That commissioning stuff should get everyone off my back.
Head Elf Markus’ Think Tank
"For the attention of whom it may concern, In the light of Christmas Day's issuance of free shotguns, it has come to the attention of Santa Claus International Enterprises Ltd. that various incidents are ongoing, or have taken place, relating to the aforementioned free shotguns that were disseminated to the masses on 25/12/2018, through to the early morning of 26/12/2018. Santa Claus International Enterprises Ltd. issues this statement in acknowledgement that no other weaponry is to be disseminated from 27/12/2018 onward, including for the entirety of 2019, although we can't rule out 2020. After a thorough investigation into the incident, Santa Claus International Enterprises Ltd. concludes that the dissemination of the free shotguns is partially responsible for the wanton robbery, Machiavellian violence, and chaos seen erupting worldwide over the last 24 hours. Our CEO, Mr. Santa Claus, said: "We regret this goodwill gesture has caused so much limb loss, but deny any culpability on the grounds this was a magnanimous decision. We can't be held responsible for the bloodthirsty antics of others - the shotguns were intended for self-defence purposes, namely in the event of an alien invasion. We reiterate, these guns were not intended for mayhem, robbery, or financial self-advancement." Furthermore, Santa Claus International Enterprises Ltd. asks all concerned citizens or local authorities to direct any complaints to Shotguns R Us, the company responsible for making the product in question. For those wondering what to do with their free shotgun, we suggest one of the following actions: 1 - Fire it wildly into the air to ward off alien invasions. 2 - Do not point it towards other human beings. 3 - Do not use the device to rob a bank. 4 - If you don't want your free shotgun, please hand it into your nearest homeless shelter. Those hobos will make some use of it (note to hobos, do not then use the free shotgun to carry out #3). Santa Claus International Enterprises Ltd. wishes to thank everyone for their patience during this time, especially anyone currently held up in a bank raid hostage situation. Rest assured, Santa Claus has issued his best regards to bank robbers and hostages alike during this stressful time. Yours sincerely, Head Elf, Markus the Elf
On a final note, if you’ve received any alcoholic beverages for Christmas it is my advice not to consume the contents. Unfortunately, in a drunken stupor, I siphoned off the alcohol from 77% of all alcoholic presents and replaced the contents with chlorine.
We have a surplus of chlorine this year after a failed attempt to market the stuff as every kid’s dream toy.
Regardless, in the event you did consume the chlorine then we recommend immediate medical assistance. If you’re feeling a bit lethargic after yesterday’s excesses, don’t put off going to hospital to have your stomach pumped.
Please rest assured we maintain the highest quality standards and this mishap probably won’t happen again in the future. Merry Christmas!