Exclusive Invention: The Tap Measure (always better than tape)

Tape measure
That’s a funny looking tap.

Tape measures are okay and everything, but their solitary function is only good for tape measuring. And you always have a ruler if it’s less than 30cms long. Plus, how often do you really need to measure something’s dimensions? Thrice every decade? Exactly.

But thrice is more than never. Which is why you should have a tape measure around. So why not have it stored in a more fitting environment where it can double up its functions? This is why we have the tap measure! It’s a tap with a tape measure in it. Hurray!

The Tap Measure

Truth be told, as opposed to truth not be told (i.e. fibbing), you probably don’t know where your tape measure is right now. “Oh, it’s probably in the shed” you might say. But it’s not like you’re cradling it in your arms right now, the most precious possession in your life.

You don’t weep in despair if someone takes your beloved tape measure away. Do you? You don’t lose the thing and then commence a nationwide search and rescue mission to locate, and bring back, that item of which you are so infatuated.

No, you just buy another one. Or you install the tap measure into your life! This product is a kitchen sink tap, plus a tape measure all-in-one. As such, if you need to measure something whilst slaking your thirst – this is the product for you.

It’s so easy to use even a donkey could figure it out (really great news if you have any pet donkeys)!

All you have to do is turn the tap on (the tape won’t work unless water is pouring, that’s a safety feature inbuilt) and pour yourself a glass of lovely water. Whilst doing that, you can measure whatever it is you need to measure. Such as:

  • A suitcase.
  • Some shelves for your kitchen.
  • A shed door.
  • Your penis (if you have one).
  • A laptop.

It’s ultra-convenient! You can save time and money (possibly) by pouring and measuring simultaneously. What could be better than that!?

Terms and Conditions

Do note that, when pouring water and measure a laptop plugged into a socket, there’s a chance your electronic device could short circuit. You may also electrocute yourself to death. That isn’t advisable.

You should also ensure you don’t invite frat boys into your property. With their natural propensity to measure their trouser department for egomaniacal purposes, your kitchen sink could become a focal part for depraved juvenile measuring competitions. That isn’t advisable.

The tap measure has a lifespan of 12 months and comes with a one month warranty. In the event your product breaks (due to rusting etc.) then you can contact the Professional Moron office for a £500 replacement.

One comment

  1. I have many tape measures. They are made from a fabricy material, and don’t rust. I always know where my tape measures are, and I frequently wear one around my neck. I’m afraid the tap measure isn’t for me.


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